Journal of TryingtoChange

[TryingToChange]

I think I'm going to use this feature to help me with my progress. I feel that if I can write down a weekly journal it will help. I last looked at P and MB'd on Friday, 2/22/08 and I am making the determination that that will be the last time. I have to get this under control because if I don't, my life will spiral out of control. I will make an entry next week and update my progress.

[Dominus]

Hi Buddy, it is good that you have made this resolution. Like yourself I came to the realisation that things had to change. One thing I have found that helps is I have a click counter on top of my computer which I increment daily, it makes me feel good about myself to read the digits increasing. It really helps to have a visual reminder of your progress, had you thought of setting this site as your home page as a daily reminder of your newfound resolution?

I really hope that you find contentment in your newfound resolution.

[TryingToChange]

Thanks, Dominus. I really want to make this work. Do you have any suggestions other than the click counter? I can really use anything that could help.

[Dominus]

Well its a bit of the blind leading the blind because I am in a similar situation to yourself, I have 4 children, have a beautiful wife and have struggled for years. However although I have had long patches without porn in the past, I feel more optimistic now because of 3 reasons, 1) I discovered this support forum, and I havent looked at porn since the day I did (I log on most days to remind myself), 2) I have told my wife that I am addicted to porn, I am really trying but I need her help, she then 'keeps an eye on me' which really helps. 3) I have changed my attitude to porn, I try to hate it now and reject the images in my head, or the pictures on the tv as soon as they pop up or appear, I don't give the porn anywhere to take root.
My tip is to not indulge yourself at all, even the slightest letting down of the guard can lead to a catastrophic slip, that said don't beat yourself up if you do slip up and never forget at any point you can walk away from it even if you have started to slip up.

Works for me for the last 69 days and it seems a lot easier now, more of a routine, hope it helps, any questions just fire away.

[TryingToChange]

Thanks, Dominus. I had a difficult time yesterday resisting the urge to look at P, but this site really helped me with that. I'm doing better today, but I know I've got to keep my thoughts under control if I'm going to beat this. I know that I've got to confess to my wife at some point. However, I just can't do that yet. I want to be able to tell her that I've put it behind me before I have to break her heart yet again. I've already confessed so many times that I can't bring myself to tell her until I have gone a significant amount of time (at least a year) without looking at P. The longest I've gone is about a year, but that was before we had our own computer connected to the internet and it was the first year we were married, when we were more physically active than we are now (sorry if that is not tasteful, but that really contributed to my lack of desire for looking at P during that period). I feel that, if I can get through a year at this point in our relationship, then I will be well on the road to recovery. However, I guess I feel how recovering alcoholics feel (once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic), so I guess I'll always consider myself a P addict, but I hope to put it behind me and never return to the "bottle."

[FoolishMind]

TTC, Youve got a great attitude, and I feel a strong sense you are really committed to doing this. Dominus's post above really hits the nail on the head, and if you keep it real, and always remind yourself of this... You will get stronger.

You are not 'TryingToChange' You already have Changed! Youve acknowledged your problem, your are studying your weak times, and you are countering. Well done, and I wish you an easy journey!

[TryingToChange]

Thanks Foolish Mind. I really hope I can turn the corner on this. I'm glad that I have this board to go to, because I just don't feel as though I've had anyone I could talk to about this in the past. My wife said she wanted me to talk to her when I got the urge to look at P, but I always saw the hurt on her face, so I just stopped talking to her and lied and said that I was doing just fine.

Today, I am feeling very stressed at work, which is a huge trigger for me. However, instead of looking at P, I came here. Hopefully, I can keep doing this in the future. Tomorrow is the one week mark for me. I haven't gone one full week without P for about two months now, and that was only because I didn't have any access to it. If I can make it through today and tomorrow, I will consider it a major accomplishment.

Weekends are never any trouble because I don't really have access to the internet at home (mainly so that I can avoid the temptation), so I will probably be good until Monday.

Wish me luck!

[FoolishMind]

Thats great TTC. While 1 week is a great milestone, every day that passes, and every situation where you battle the temptation successfully is a success. And you should be proud of that.

I can relate to you with with work stress as a trigger, and again like most addictions, it becomes habitual. Break the habit, and it gets easier and easier. I say that from 2 months experience.

I wont wish you luck, Because you wont need it, your gonna do this!

Have a fantastic weekend.

[TryingToChange]

Well, I've officially passed the one-week mark, although I won't celebrate until I actually get home from work. Then I know I will be alright until Monday. Thanks for the support and here's to hoping for two straight weeks P and MB free!