Zibble says hello and tells his story

[Zibble]

Hello everyone,

I've been checking out this website about once or twice a day for a week now. Reading about other people's struggles, disappointments, resolutions, and successes, has been incredibly helpful and inspirational to me this past week, so tonight I finally decided to register and participate a little. I'll just introduce myself for now, but I certainly plan to keep posting from time to time when I have the chance and feel that I have something helpful to say.

My first porn-related experience, I think, was probably pretty unusual. When I was about 12 or 13, another kid I knew invited me to create pornographic computer games of the "choose your own adventure" kind with him. This basically involved writing up sexy situations for the protagonist to get into, then describing some "options" for the player to choose from, and then writing what the results of each of these options were. So, unlike most people, I guess, my introduction to the world of porn was in a sense as a producer rather than as a consumer. And even when my "friend" moved away (which happened not long afterwards) I kept on sort of trying to produce my own porn, by writing erotic stories or drawing pictures of women without clothes. This was sort of like keeping a record of what you think about when masturbating.

Naturally, I was also interested in finding provocative words and images from sources other than myself. I once found a few Playboy magazines in a big pile of my dad's magazines, which I absorbed into my mind pretty thoroughly, and I managed to find the occasional sex book in libraries, and that sort of thing. But basically, my relationship to porn was pretty tame until I got to college.

I never actually believed that it was okay to do these things. I was quite certain, first for vaguely religious reasons, then for more general "moral" reasons, that it was wrong to masturbate, and I was even more certain that it was wrong to use porn. I tried really hard, even as a teenager, to battle these temptations, but I always broke down in the end and started masturbating again. I was almost always ashamed of myself.

When I got to college, I had steady access to the internet for the first time. I knew, vaguely, that there was porn on the internet, but I resisted investigating it for as long as I could. So my first real breakdown on this front didn't come until about halfway through my first year. At first, I just used chatting programs to flirt with girls online, which was an especially seductive temptation since I had, at that time, serious self-esteem problems (so that I thought I could never have a *real* girlfriend); and, (ironically, undercutting that justification) I tried to reassure myself that online flirting was okay, because it was a way of really interacting with real people sexually, rather than just using them for my own selfish purposes, and thus not really bad in the way that porn is bad. But of course that wasn't true. And gradually one thing led to another until, before I knew it, I had a habit of looking at sexually explicit images on the computer.

Still, though, I kept on trying to quit. I have never, never accepted that porn was a stable part of my life--it has always been something I've been fighting. So I would sometimes go for months without looking at porn or chatting with provocative internet females. But sooner or later, I always broke down and started again. And when that happened, because I had so much resisted temptation-energy pent up, it would usually be a good two or three days in which every minute of my free time was spent locked up in my dorm room (I didn't have a roommate) looking at porn. After that was over, I would emerge with a ton of guilt and, of course, a new supply of fresh resolve--"never again!" I'd say.

At various times since then, things have happened that I hoped would jolt me into quitting permanently. Once I was caught by one of my fellow students and his girlfriend, and that really scared the s**t out of me. And I developed a pretty stable relationship with a really wonderful girlfriend whom I love very much. (It's a long distance relationship, unfortunately.) Also, a few years ago, I really sorted out my religious/ philosophical/ spiritual/ moral views to a point where I definitely understand what I believe and why. Each of these things had the potential, I thought, to really change me, and to make porn a permanent part of my past. But sooner or later, I always broke down again.

Then something really changed last weekend. My girlfriend found out sort of at the last minute that she was going to be able to visit me for the weekend. I was glad she was coming, of course, but mentally, somewhere, I had known that I was on the verge of another porn breakdown, and the part of me that had been looking forward to that was angry and determined to get its "fix." So the night before she arrived, I stayed up all night indulging in porn. I used to be able to stay up all night without losing too much energy the next day, but the day she arrived (Friday) I was completely and totally tired. I barely had enough energy to talk to her, and certainly not enough energy to show her any real affection. I was totally beat. Naturally, she wanted to know what was wrong with me. I didn't lie, but I didn't tell the whole truth either. In the past, I have told her that I have struggled with porn, but I haven't been giving her regular updates about how well the struggles have been going. In this particular case, I just told her that I hadn't slept very well the night before, and that I hadn't been able to sleep in in the morning like I usually do. (I'm still a student, in grad school now, so I still have the late-night/late-morning lifestyle).

Anyway, that's when I realized that porn really isn't something I can cut off from the rest of my life. It isn't just a private indulgence that I can enjoy and comfortably regret without expecting it to have negative consequences for the people I love and interact with. I saw it, firsthand and vividly, actually messing with my relationship with my girlfriend. And I decided that it absolutely had to stop.

I wish I could say that it did stop immediately. But, in fact, I gave in again as soon as she left in another, final, 12-hour-long marathon of incredibly frustrating, despair-filled porn-seeking. When it was finally over, last Sunday night (2.10.08), I took a long shower to psychologically wash away the guilt and the shame and the depression, and I started looking for information for people struggling with a porn habit. That's how I found this site.

I've been porn- and masturbation-free since then, with perhaps one mild exception on Thursday when I caught myself looking at some pictures of women in swimsuits on the internet and googling things I shouldn't have been looking for. Many many times, already, things I have read on this website have helped me change the course of my thoughts, or resist various temptations. Whenever I've felt the temptation, I've just gone here instead, to see what people were talking about, and there is so much wisdom and commitment and support on here.

As a result of this change, my visit to my girlfriend this weekend was sooo much better than last weekend. I had real energy and interest in being with her and showing my love for her, which was a complete change from a week ago. So I'm already starting to see my life improve, and a good part of the credit is due to the people on this website. But I'm well aware from much bitter experience that it takes a lot longer than a week to permanently break this habit and change one's attitude for the better, so I'm not going to let myself get overconfident. Nonetheless, I'm truly committed now. I'm now 28; it's been about exactly 9 years since porn became a steady part of my life, but I'm determined to beat it, and to help other people beat it too if I can.

Best,
Zibble

PS. Sorry this post is so long, I didn't realize how much I had written until I previewed it. I'll try to keep posts shorter in the future!

[Dominus]

Hi zibble - cool name! Dont worry about your posts being long, its good to get it all off your chest, helps you see things in perspective. One of the problems with this 'porn binge' cycle is the endless self delusional belief we have, that this will be the very last time, but it never is, is it?

You have made an important step in admitting your issues, now you need to change the way you do things, any tactics you have used in the past either dont work or do not go far enough. Get tough with yourself and set rules as to how you plan to proceed, you can do it if you really try and you will be a happier more confident man for doing so.

Best of lucky buddy.

[Light]

I enjoyed reading your story and I have to say that the "lack of energy for more important things" is one of the biggest reasons for me to quit porn myself. All that energy has to come from somewhere, and unfortunately it really puts a dent in the rest of your day, or the next day, and can even last several days or up to a week or more. For some reason, I have noticed that "normal sex" with my girlfriend does not drain me in this way nearly so much, so I'm not quite sure what the difference is. Some might say it's guilt, but I don't really think so. When I would binge on porn I would usually get off a couple of times in a row, and be left completely drained for my day, which is probably enough to do this kind of damage to my energy level. I would barely have energy to interact with the people around me and those I cared about.

Good luck my friend, I'm just as sick of porn controlling my life as you are, so if you're really ready to quit there are lots of people here willing to support you

[whittaker5016]

Addiction to porn is like putting a noose around your neck and every time you try to move away from it, the noose keeps getting tighter and tighter and the only way to get free is for someone to help you loosen that noose and release you from that hold.Hi, I’m new to this and I’ve struggled long enough and am as tired of it as Zibble. Interesting how one thinks they are all alone and thinking there’s no hope of getting rid of the addiction, but it is good to hear there are guys out there like me who have the same desire to quit. Porn cannot be under estimate of it power and of its tremendous grip it can have on anyone. With your help, I’m determined to overcome. Zibble, you’ve made a wise choice. I’m right behind you. I’ve committed to quit and sure we’ve got a ways to go, but I sense a strong support here and I believe they’re here to help.I’ll talk at you later. W5016

[seeker]

Hello Zibble,

I share your pain and sorrow and welcome you to the forum. I am just a few days ahead of you in my journey towards regaining control of my emotional state and already I have developed a clarity of thought that has eluded me for years. More than anything, I feel that I have regained a sort of 'life force' that has been absent from my character. That life force is the feeling of having natural sexual energy that I can project towards a partner and not towards a digitized image or video. Walking down the street I feel newly empowered as I steal innocent glances at the beautiful girls knowing that I now once again possess the power to be one with a woman. I think that a PA robs a man of this natural energy in a very subverted way by making us falsely believe that a decline in sexual energy is itself natural and expected. While it is natural to not have the same potency as an 18 year old at 30, the desire to share intimacy with a woman through a sexual experience should not disappear through the passage of time. When sex becomes such a biological act and no longer contains the emotional bond that you share with a woman I believe you know that you have a problem. When we are not distracted by P we have the ability to focus on other things more clearly. In your case your g/friend is the beneficiary of that revitalization.

I envy you Zibble, that you are coming to terms with your problem at a younger age. I don't believe that at your age I had the maturity to really appreciate the harm that I was causing myself in those days.

[Zibble]

Hello friends,

Thanks very much, Dominus, Light, W5016 and seeker, for these encouraging words of welcome. I know very well that this is going to be tough, and that it's going to take some serious will power to keep myself clean from now on. Also, I know that there will probably never be a time when I can completely let down my guard. That alone is such a sad fact; but I also know that it isn't just porn addicts who have that problem--everyone is at least occasionally tempted to treat, or think about, people in a disrespectful way for selfish sexual purposes. If I can get to the point where I'm tempted only very infrequently, and I dismiss temptation easily and reliably, then I'll regard myself as cured, even though I'll still always have to keep my guard up. I've actually sort of gotten to that point a few times, where really strong temptation came after months of being clean, and I thought my way through it and escaped unharmed--only to give in foolishly the next time. But that won't happen to me again!

To answer Dominus, I think there are two big differences (so far) between what I'm doing now and what I've tried in the past. The first is signing up for this website. I hope that if I participate here, then I'll get more invested in trying to cure myself. It will help a lot to know that there are people here who are both rooting for me, and also, indirectly, relying on me to be strong, to set an example for them to help them be strong too. I've never really taken my struggle with this problem public in any way before, so that's a big change. I did tell my girlfriend about it, but as I said before, I haven't talked about it with her regularly. I realize there's a danger that not talking about it much with her could involve concealing things from her in a way that amounts to deception, which I definitely *don't* want to do, but there's an opposite danger, if I give her more details, of giving my relationship with her a kind of nurse-patient dynamic that I want to avoid if I can. (Not that I mean any disrespect to those of us who have sought help from our partners; I certainly think that's the *right* thing to do in a lot of cases.)

The other big difference between what I'm doing now and what I've tried before is a difference in attitude. Whenever I tried to quit, back in the old days, I thought that I was just not going to allow myself to do certain things, and I had to draw boundaries to define which activities were allowed and which weren't. But now I understand that this was a really tragically foolish way to think about it. As long as I imagined all these things I could be doing that (supposedly) would be really great if I only allowed myself to do them, I was trapped in an attitude that would inevitably drive me back to porn sooner or later. (Maybe looking at pictures of full nudity wasn't allowed, but looking at pictures of movie stars with just a little bit of clothing was allowed, for example. And then, predictably enough, I'd spend a lot of time looking at pictures of movie stars with just a little bit of clothing, until the temptation got too strong and I fell back into porn.) What I should have thought about instead was all the things that I will now be able to do that porn would make it harder for me to do. Now I can have a richer, more trusting and intimate relationship with my girlfriend; I can see a woman in my day-to-day life, or just passing on the street, without slavishly having to size her up as a sex object; and fundamentally, I can relate, as a complete human being, to everyone I meet, even a very pretty woman, on a basis of respect and love--rather than always having part of myself just thinking about them in sexual terms for my own selfish ends. These are such wonderful, positive, things to be able to do. Of course, there can be a valuable role for sexual feelings to play in a life of respect and love; but the point is that porn trains you to separate your sexual feelings from respect and love, so that if you let porn into your life, inevitably the sexual part of who you are has to be separate from whatever is noble and good in yourself. So a big lesson I've learned this week is that it's not that there's a lot of great stuff that I'm *forbidding* myself to do--it's that there's a lot of great stuff that I'm *allowing* myself to do by cutting the pornographic attitude out of my life.

Thank you all so much for your support. Believe me, you can count on my support too. Together we must all help each other beat this horrible weakness and put our selves back together so we can be decent, honest, and complete men and women.

Best,
Zibble

[Zibble]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a very tempting night tonight.... Very hard to shake certain thoughts and ideas from my head. One thing that's helping a lot right now is reminding myself that if I lose my nerve now, I'll have to tell all of you about it in the morning, and I really don't want to let you down. Just to be safe, in a minute I'm going to remove the wireless card that connects my computer to the internet and put it in a box or something, but first I thought I'd say thanks to everyone just for being here and helping me to stay strong.

9 days and counting!

Best,
Zibble

[Dominus]

your doing really well, don't forget as has been said before - 'Temptation is not a sin, but its how we deal with it that counts. Keep up the good work, your resolve motivates us to not give up.

[Zibble]

Hi everyone,

I've never kept any pornographic images on my computer for longer than a few hours, always trying to make sure that my computer was clean when the guilt and the resolve came back after a breakdown, and today I scanned my computer just to make sure that I had successfully deleted all the pictures left over from my last indulgence. Very unexpectedly, I found a few pictures in the "temp" folder that I thought I had deleted last week. This had the potential to be a real catastrophe, because I could easily have used it as an occasion to slide into another horrible porn binge. And I admit that I looked at a couple of these pictures for two or three seconds, but then I promptly deleted them, hopefully for good this time. (It's so frustrating how hard it is to be sure that you've really gotten something off your computer!) I'm so glad I managed to escape. And instead of looking at porn all night, I had a nice phone call with an old friend and got some work done. This is another small victory; hopefully every victory like this will make the next one easier.

10 days and counting!

Best,
Zibble

[Dominus]

Good work Zibble, that walking away mentality is a keystone to success. Dont forget to empty the recycle bin too and defragment the hard disk to really make the files 'dead'.