Internet Porn Addiction=Decreased Erections?

[seeker]

This is a difficult subject for me and I am very fortunate to have stumbled upon this site. Here goes:

Thirty-Eight year old male, healthy physically though probably not emotionally. I have been MB since very early puberty, probably under 12 years old. I used to use a vibrating massage device that my parents had lying around when I first started doing it and can't ever recall any sexual encounter matching that childhood experience. I feel I have been cursed ever since!

Before the internet I would MB to soft porn and erotic images as much as possible but I never recall any issues with erections or sexual performance until around my late 20's when internet porn, first images then videos, exploded in popularity and accessibility. Before the internet I secretly visited strip clubs, massage parlors and prostitutes on occasion, (including once at age 16 when my parents left us alone for the first time!) but it never got to a point where it interfered in my life. I would MB every morning, first thing, and every night at the very least.

I recall being tempted and distracted from an otherwise healthy sexual relationship by online porn sites when I was about 25 or 26, choosing to MB to online before my girlfriend came over for the night, and often sabotaging dates because of a preference to surf for online porn. I ended that relationship prematurely in part because of my secret addiction. I think I convinced myself that she wasn't right for me but that was clearly a lie in retrospect.

Years later I started to experience performance issues sexually with women, first apparent around age 29. Now I am the point where I just can't consistently maintain a firm erection with my spouse without ED medication. This problems weighs very heavily on my emotional state nearly every waking moment. I don't know if this is entirely attributable to my online porn addiction or whether I'm just not attracted to my spouse anymore. She has gained weight since our marriage and I desperately wished it didn't matter to me but it appears to have a very strong impact on my desire to have sex with her. The attraction was never incredible but it was there initially and its virtually gone now. There are many other non-sexual issues in the relationship that are contributing to my honest belief that the marriage will not survive much longer.

My problems with my wife have led me to secretly stray emotionally from the marriage. I am very sexually attracted and drawn to another woman although we haven't had sex. I am contemplating leaving my wife for her but I also fear that I will have these same problems with her if I don't kick my internet porn habit. She is more compatible with me for various complex reasons, only one of which is that I am incredibly attracted to her.

I also fear that my internet porn addiction has irreparably harmed my normal sexual performance with women in general. Is this possible or likely? If so can I get it back by limiting or eliminating my internet porn activities? I get very anxious before attempting sex with my spouse because of the history of performance problems and I fear that if this marriage ends (for various reasons, one of which is sexual problems) this problem may affect a new relationship as well. I actually love my wife very much and want her to be happy. I feel that ultimately I won't be happy if I stay with her and that she probably could find someone else better suited to her as well.

I hope I have partially summarized my complex issues and beg the collective forgiveness of this wonderful forum for my tangential rantings. Please do not attempt any religious proselytizing as I'm not interested in that kind of dogma to solve my problems.

Live well, all.

[Dominus]

Hi Seeker, I can sympathise with your situation, this is a non religious forum so I dont think that anyone will try and inculcate their 'dogma' into you although maybe that could have been worded better.

There are many people on this forum who are not in a sexual relationship, yet still manage to keep their sexual inclinations at bay, so even if you are not in your ideal sexual utopia you can still control this thing. Society tends to make us believe that sex is a key factor in a happy life whereas in reality although pleasant it is only a small (and optional) part of a much broader picture of happiness.

I am not an authority on this subject and others may disagree, but I strongly believe that sexual orientation is to a degree malleable, it would seem that you are orientated largely toward visual stimulation from pornography which you rightly connect with your issues with women. I would suggest even if you did leave your wife for this other woman you could face the same problem some time down the road and the porn addiction would not stop unless you make some serious changes, in time even this incredibly attractive woman will become externally older and less beautiful than she is now and then what would you do?.

My advice is to focus on quitting the porn addiction and getting that side of your life back on track, it wont be easy but the rewards are worth it. Once you have that side of things under control maybe the other issues will start to resolve themselves. possibly your wife senses your lack of attraction for her, women who are loved tend to flourish, I know how I would feel if my wife found me unattractive.

I hope you find the answers you seek.

[clog]

Seeker,

Welcome to the forum.

Your main question is: could your problems with erections be related to internet porn? There are many possible reasons for a failure to maintain an erection. If you MB excessively to online porn, this might well be a reason. I haven't engaged in any MB for over week now and there is definitely a noticeable difference when I'm with my wife. I think age plays a role as well and the combination of excessive MB and ageing may well be what is doing it in your case. There is of course a simple test - give up P and MB completely for at least a week and see if there's a difference. Of course there could be other reasons as well: if erection problems are a big burden on your mind, that in itself could become a cause (worrying about maintaining your erection may stop you maintaining it). And of course, it could simply be a reflection of you feeling less attracted to your wife.

You don't give us enough detail about your marital problems for us to give you any advice at that level and we may not be best placed to do so anyway. But let me say this - if you continue to use P and to MB in solitude, this is likely to undermine any relationship you'll be in: the current one with your wife and the possible future one with the woman you feel so attracted to.

Have you considered what your P and MB habit may have done to your relationship with your wife? Perhaps you feel guilty about your habit and the guilt is at the root of some of the problems in the bedroom? Perhaps she senses that you don't desire her? Does she know about your P habit and what does she think about it? Many partners of PAs on this forum have explained here how it has shaken their confidence, their self esteem, how they feel cheated upon, how unloved they feel. Don't underestimate the strength of the impact of your P/MB habit. I stray into conjecture here, but it is not inconceivable that her weight gain is to do with poor self esteem and lack of self confidence.

Do tell us more about whether your wife knows about your P habit and what she feels about it. Can you talk to her about the issues you've put on this forum?

If you do end up with the other woman, will you quit your P and MB habit first? If not, are you willing to own up to her about it?

Not questions to be awkward, but to get to the bottom of the issue and to try and be of help.

Good luck my friend.

Clog.

[seeker]

I have not burdened my wife with the knowledge of my PA at all nor do I ever intend to do so. While it does adversely affect our sex life, I don't at all believe that I could live with the shame and embarrassment of her knowing of this long-term affliction. Also, I am not confident that my marriage has the longevity that I believe it needs to survive this problem so I would rather continue to work through the problem on my own without bringing it out in the open for her to potentially share with other people if and when our marriage unwinds. Although it is a bit of defeatist mentality, I try to also be realistic and mindful of the repercussions down the road. I feel more confident that I can shake it on my own through therapy (I get a fair share) and support from this forum and other literature that I have been seeking. My goal is to eradicate this demon from my life entirely and I believe I can do it. I would not attempt to engage in any deep relationship with the 'other woman' until I have the problem more under control. In my encounters with her thus far (we've essentially done everything but the dirty deed itself) ED problems have not remotely been an issue. I am very powerfully attracted to her mind, body and spirit. I do fear greatly that my online PA and MB addictions will interfere in the future with someone else and that is in large measure what has brought me to this forum.

The problems with my wife are complex and go well being just intimacy. I do believe that if we had a stronger sexual relationship that the other issues (I'd prefer not to get into) would probably subside slightly but the truth is that I believe they may be contributing to my growing lack of physical and emotional attraction to her. Trust is probably the best way to sum up the issues although it is not a matter of trust that she will stray romantically but more trust that we both have the same plan for how we want to live our lives. I'll leave it there.

Well, I'm 22 hours into kicking my PA and MB addiction! Is it cause to celebrate yet? Please keep up the informative posts. I want to know if any of you have experience a marked lack of sexual stamina with a flesh and blood partner as a result of your PA.

[Light]

Most definitely. Energy spent looking at porn and masturbation is energy you don't have for your partner. For me, this is huge, and one of the main reasons why I don't use porn (though there are many others.) I know that she didn't sign on for this, and it's not fair to deny her intimacy because I spent it all on selfish pursuits. At first, it may feel like you are sacrificing something dear to you (porn) but in the long run it is well worth it for the renewed energy in your relationship (among many other reasons).

Good luck my friend!

[seeker]

Originally Posted by Light

Most definitely. Energy spent looking at porn and masturbation is energy you don't have for your partner. For me, this is huge, and one of the main reasons why I don't use porn (though there are many others.) I know that she didn't sign on for this, and it's not fair to deny her intimacy because I spent it all on selfish pursuits. At first, it may feel like you are sacrificing something dear to you (porn) but in the long run it is well worth it for the renewed energy in your relationship (among many other reasons).

Good luck my friend!

Has your energy returned to the relationship now that you have your PA more under control? I don't think my wife and I are really that compatible sexually anymore and I'm not certain that we ever were entirely. That in part has driven me to the online PA. I sincerely believe that if I were with the other woman that I would be less tempted to stray because of my attraction for her. My fear is that I am predisposed to shun intimacy and will rather quickly tire of her as well. That awareness is in part what has led me to this forum.

I feel so positive about my future prospects for connecting intimately (not just sexually) with women after find this place! It is really an amazing resource particularly since it would so difficult for me to attend any kind of public support group for this shameful habit that I have developed and kept hidden for so many years.

[seeker]

Originally Posted by Dominus

I am not an authority on this subject and others may disagree, but I strongly believe that sexual orientation is to a degree malleable, it would seem that you are orientated largely toward visual stimulation from pornography which you rightly connect with your issues with women.

Can you elaborate on this comment? Do you think that I ever overcome this problem and connect more intimately with a woman?

[Light]

I think that your life situation is largely what you make it. If you have spent a lot of time invested in looking for something else, then what you have will never make you happy. But then how long will it be before that new thing bores you as well? There will always be something new around the corner to excite you. The new fresh thing you have will eventually get old and worn out. Unless there is some fundamental problem in your relationship, I would try investing time and energy into getting to know your partner all over again, remember that a rewarding relationship isn't always about looks or passion that comes from physical attraction. That kind of relationship always fades the fastest in my experience.

[Dominus]

What I mean is that if for example someone keeps looking at pornography there is a trend toward looking at harder and harder types for the same level of arousal. Most people who look at child pornography for instance did not start out liking that kind of material but progressed down a route which ultimately led them to consider erotic the kind of material which would have once repulsed them. I found this happening with me and it bothered me a lot which prompted amongst other reasons to really want to quit this addiction. Additionally many men who once delighted in sexual relations with a woman become completely disinterested in that kind of sex in favor of the less labour intensive option of arousal and satisfaction through pornography where the girls are always available and nothing is required in return.

good sex should be focused as much or more on giving pleasure than receiving it, satisfaction from porn is only about receiving and that is why even if the material is highly erotic you can never be truly fulfilled by it - it always makes you feel empty.

I don't see why you shouldnt be able to overcome the problem. you just have to stop making porn the thing that turns you on, and focus on your woman instead. Give her a nice candlelight sensual massage or something and make it into a more rounded out experience.

[Light]

Dominus got it right. I don't think that a "mild interest" in porn is healthy, because this mild interest can, and from those I have talked to, usually does evolve into something much more destructive for the person involved, and almost always has a negative impact on the lives of those around him (or her).

In fact, one of the biggest problems is the idea that a person can digest this kind of material on a daily basis (in small doses of course) and not have any impact on anyone else. This is the selfish part, the part that thinks "I deserve this."

Many times this change occurs incrementally, and over such a long period of time that the user isn't even aware of what it happening before the behavior is deeply entrenched and difficult to remove.

Why not avoid all that and just "evolve" a little bit more than the average male (or female) and learn to use sexuality in a way that is a bit more enlightened than the rest of our friends on television, internet and the magazines and publications of the day? Surely there is a better way than the example that our popular culture feeds us.

I know that these are lofty goals, but when you really sit down and weigh the options I don't think they are unreasonable, if you truly seek happiness in the longterm for you and your partner.

From where I stand today, I would LOVE the opportunity to go back in time and tell the young kid who "casually" looked at rather innocent pictures to stay the hell away from it and go find a real life girlfriend. If I had children, I would like to teach them the same thing.