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Junior Member
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Join Date: Jan 2008
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02-10-2008, 06:36 PM
Still doing OK here in my struggle to stay away from P and MB. I had this slip up when travelling and went off track for some days, but now that I'm back home the importance of getting this sorted is very clear again in my mind and I'm determined to beat this addiction. I was clean for 9 days, then had a bad stint while travelling with daily use of hotel pay tv and dvds for 6 days, but now I've been clean again for 6 days. I just need to get beyond that 9 day mark to set myself a new record.
Something that may seem a rather minor achievement but is major for me is that it is now three weeks since I've used the internet to access P. That is 40-50 hours I would have wasted on P browsing gained to spend with the family and to do things I could never do because I was 'too busy'. I haven't felt the need to wipe my browser cache or temporary files and the history shows weeks of browsing, which means I don't have anything to hide. What a great feeling. I might even get rid of my treasured Window Washer, which I used obsessively in the past to wipe out all traces of what I'd seen.
I want to write down the history of my PA, accepting that this is not necessarily of any interest to any of you here, but I feel like it is a necessary step in my recovery process, so bear with me. I've had a fascination with pornographic images, videos, books since a very early age. I think I first started MB at about 11 years of age. I almost immediately started using books to MB to. First they were sex education books I found in my parents' bedroom, then fine art catalogues with nudes in, then lingerie and swimwear catalogues I found around the house. Later I came across pop magazines and pirelli type calendars in my brother's bedroom. When at secondary school, I joined the adult public library and quickly started seeking out erotic literature - anything from Lawrence to de Sade (they were pretty liberal there). I also started buying some still fairly innocent but 'risque' magazines, with the occasional topless model. I guess most of this was still fairly normal teenage boy behaviour, out of curiosity. But even then I started developing some worrying patterns that prevailed throughout my addiction: withdrawing from social activities to study the material I'd found to MB to; spending excessive amounts of time on this activity, particularly at times of stress (e.g. before an exam); a cycle of acquiring and discarding material; allowing my obsession to get in the way of performance at school (and later work).
When I started university my use of P intensified. I had newly-found freedom as a student, having moved out of my parents' house. I started buying first softcore P magazines and gradually started on hardcore. I found that my landlord had a big P stash to which I helped myself liberally. This included 8mm films and videos, so this was my introduction to hardcore films. I discovered phone sex lines and also started making first exploratory visits to red light districts (as spectator only). P and commercial sex became an obsession in this time. I MBed daily, sometimes several times a day. I was withdrawn socially and did worse than I could have done at university.
After university I studied and worked in developing countries, where I generally had very limited access to P or anything even remotely erotic, so my MB and P reduced drastically. These were relatively happy years. I directed my sexual energy into my first relationships and became quite active socially. Looking back, I recognise a sense of liberation even then when there was little P available.
I first met my wife some 12 years ago and unfortunately, at virtually the same time, I got access to the internet for the first time. I first had internet access at work and I found myself exploring P on the internet pretty much immediately. I was still unaware of the ability of network administrators to track browsing behaviour and that browsing can be traced even if the history and temporary files are deleted. This meant I used the work internet connection extensively to look for porn. I started staying at work late, waiting for all colleagues to leave to be able to look for P and MB. I started going in over weekends to do the same. This is when I first developed the habit of lying to my wife about the volume of my work in order to have time to access the internet for P.
I was thrilled at this new virtual playground I'd found and was determined to have internet access at home as well. So I bought a laptop and organised a dial-up connection at home, and this is when my addiction really took off. I started getting up early, before my wife, to look for P and MB early morning. When my wife was out or away, I would spend every waking minute on the internet looking for P. I started signing up for various sites and paying for them by credit card. The lack of caution using credit cards to sign up to all sorts of things landed me in trouble later, with me becoming the victim of credit card fraud. I started dropping out of social events, letting my wife go to them alone, so I could spend time looking for P while pretending to work.
In the meantime we had got married and we were trying to have our first child. This was proving to be difficult, which was hardly surprising with my daily MB habit. I would be intimate with my wife in the evening after having MBed to P in the morning, so my fertility was clearly very low. My wife did get pregnant eventually, during a holiday where I had virtually no access to P and no chance to MB.
The arrival of our first child did nothing to diminish my PA. In fact if anything it intensified as it was a space for me to retreat in where I could withdraw from this strange new reality of being a parent and all the responsibilities that come with it. No doubt I could have been a great help to my wife in all the hours I spent looking for P on the computer. We had our second child and nothing changed, I was now in a well established pattern of spending several hours a day on P and MB, either at home or at work; trying to spend as much time as possible away from home; lying about my workload; being grumpy and dismissive of my wife; and generally being a complete w*nker, in the literal and figurative sense of the word.
How my wife put up with me through all this I don't know. She definitely saw me change for the worse over the years and deeply regretted it. She only caught me in the act once, about 3 years ago. I gave her a partial confession and she made it clear she didn't like it. She found it hard to be intimate with me after that for a long time. I think she believes I stopped after her walking in on me, but I'm not entirely sure if she really does believe that. I think she probably suspects I haven't stopped, but can't bring herself to check on me. My wife has a chronical illness and would find it very hard to cope with two children on her own. So even if she ever had any intention to divorce me, it was never a real option for her. The thought that she has felt trapped in a bad relationship, with someone who is a complete a**hole to her, someone she can't trust, is too sad for words.
I've done great injustice to my wife and my chidren ever since they've been around. There are whole chunks of their lives I've opted out of because I was too busy wasting my time with P. I've allowed my relationship to hit rock bottom and I'll have to spend a lifetime to piece it back together again. I've missed out on a lot in life because of my obsession with P and MB. But I've turned the corner, I'm sure of it.
Clog.
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