Facing the truth

[Medium]

Hi there. This is my first post and it is my first concerted effort to remove P from my life. I hope that by doing so I may be able change the way I interract with women around me in my life and essentially gain control of my thoughts and my mind.

I know that I spend large amounts of time viewing images and that I have tried and failed to stop in the past. However, I do not feel that my life has been significantly damaged by this habit so far, but I do notice that I am unable to look at women without lustful thoughts and I think that my viewing of images exacerbates this tendancy. It has affected my intimate relations with my wife and she has caught me viewing P in the past. Before the internet I used to purchase magazines, and the existance of a collection of P was awkward and embarrassing. With the discovery of online P the ease of hiding the habit increased greatly, but also the difficulty of giving up. This is made harder by the fact that my chosen habit (that I would like to spend more time doing) is creating music on my computer (another solitary habit on the computer).

I have a question though. I know that being honest and facing addiction is surely the first step in overcoming that addiction. However, I am not certain whether discussing this openly with my wife is the best thing to do. I would like to be able to resolve my addiction by myself without causing her unnecessary worries. If I do not discuss this with my wife am I still being dishonest with myself and also reducing my chances of overcoming my addiction without seeking the help of my partner?

I'd be very interested to hear what other people think about this.

Thanks,

[FoolishMind]

Originally Posted by Medium

I know that being honest and facing addiction is surely the first step in overcoming that addiction. However, I am not certain whether discussing this openly with my wife is the best thing to do. I would like to be able to resolve my addiction by myself without causing her unnecessary worries. If I do not discuss this with my wife am I still being dishonest with myself and also reducing my chances of overcoming my addiction without seeking the help of my partner?

Thanks,

Hi Medium, Welcome to the site, and well done for being so open and honest with yourself and sharing your thoughts here.

I do not think there is a right or wrong answer to your question. There is going to be a better or not so easy answer, but that depends you as an individual.

You have clearly been looking for some answers and acknowledged the PA by yourself, that itself is a fantastic acheivement. I was personally blinded by this PA, and it took some painfull reality checks courtesy of my wife to make me realise and open my eyes to what it was doing to me and changing my life.

You need to ask yourself, can you fight off the tempations?, Can you analyse when your at your weakest? and when you are at your weakest i.e. those thoughts in you head say, " lets have a look at something" ,can you counter them, distract yourself, focus on something else.

If you think you can do this through your own self willpower, then yes I think you can definatley do it. Ultimatley you need to do it for yourself not for anyone else.

There are many members here that have acheived a great amount of success battling this by themselves. I openly admit, I do not think I could have done this. Fortunatley, my wife is really supporting me, and so far 1 month in, I am winning this battle.

Keep posting, share your thoughts, and I look forward watching your journey begin.

[Light]

Medium, you ask an interesting question. In my last relationship, I never revealed to my partner that this was a problem I was struggling with. In my current relationship, it has been discussed, but in "past tense" terms, with the understanding that it used to be an issue but is no longer one. Since then I have slipped up and I haven't discussed these times with her. I suppose I could, and maybe should, but I am doing well in the "recovery" process and don't really want to burden or worry her. But if I felt that I was out of control and it was truly negatively affecting our relationship (like the past relationship) then I would bring it up (and I realize now that I should have in the last one).

Sometimes it's scary to think how someone might react to this kind of honesty, but I think that in the long run it is the best thing to do, especially if you are just trying to get a foothold on the problem. How to break this to a spouse or partner might be the topic of another post.

What I am becoming more and more aware of is that the choice to look at pornography is not just "my decision" anymore. It effects both of us in our relationship, the quality of our sex life, and I need to stop being so selfish about getting "my fix" when it's also affecting her as well (even though she may not be aware of it).

When I use porn, the intimacy and my "desire" for my partner goes down. I am less excited about the relationship, being intimate and spending time with her. I want to spend time with the porn. I am increasingly dissatisfied with things in life that are not porn.

When I don't use porn, the intimacy in the relationship goes way up, we are much happier, more "in love" and other the peripheral things in life are better as well. The overall satisfaction with life goes up.

This has been a realization that has slowly come into focus, and the more I become aware of it, the easier the choice is (and emphasis here on "choice") to put the porn and friends away (whatever else might be a problem for you) and focus on my life and relationships.

Good luck, let us know how you are doing!

[Medium]

Thanks both for your replies. It really made a difference. Today is my first day without viewing any images. The past 2 days I have been weak, and giving myself excuses for breaking into this slowly. But as someone else said, I think that perhaps just posting here may be a good alternative to browsing other sites! So here goes.

I must admit I don't know if my expectation of changing the way that I respond to women around me is realistic or not. Have either of you noticed a change in your thoughts?

Can I some more questions? For me, doing something that I shouldn't be doing has a strong attraction. This must be a destructive trend, but is this something that you are overcoming? I think I will probably just choose to do other things that I shouldn't be doing instead, but at least I need to be aware of choosing and controlling that.


What has been the best feeling that you have had through overcoming your cravings?

Thanks for the support.

[FoolishMind]

Originally Posted by Medium

What has been the best feeling that you have had through overcoming your cravings?

Thanks for the support.

I feel PROUD that I have overcome a craving, or when temptation arrives.
I feel HAPPIER, I feel HONEST. I feel GUILT FREE. I feel in CONTROL.

The benefits become obvious in within a few weeks, but it was my wife that noticed a change in me, before I noticed it myself.

Thats my personal answer to your question. Hope that helps.

[Light]

To expect your thoughts to change overnight is unrealistic, I think. You didn't get to where you are overnight, I'm sure you have been using porn for a while now, and it has probably warped your mind and point of view.

The scary thing about this is that it can happen so incrementally that you probably don't realize how many steps in the wrong direction you have taken. You will have to take just as many in the other direction to get back to where you started from (before the porn habit set in).

Either way, I think that the best way (for me at least) to overcome this addiction has been to quit cold turkey, bite the bullet and just do it. I have slipped up on occasion, but compared to life before my decision to quit, they are very minor. Each time I slip up I am able to go longer stretches without looking at porn, which is the way I know I am on the right track.

I think the main thing I would like to say about "wanting to do bad" is...do you want to be happy? If you don't want to be happy, you can go on being bad all you like, why even try to good things in this life. But I'm "sick and tired of being sick and tired" so I decided to do some things to change that. I know that giving up porn at first seems like you are loosing something huge. Something you love dearly, a part of you. This is a tough concept to get over. But you must realize that you are gaining the world in return. There is so much you have been missing out on in life, that is so much bigger than this small ugly little thing that is porn.

Sometimes, we like things that are bad for us. Porn is, for me, pain, frustration, irratability, secretive, and a huge drain of my time and energy, all wrapped up in pretty clothes. I won't be going back there again.

I wish you luck Medium!

[Medium]

Thanks again guys. I've been reading around on the site and it's really encouraging to see things go from day to day. It's also nice to see the site so active and for there to be people going through the same thing at the same time although some may be slightly further down the track then others.

There were a couple of things that I wanted to write about today (was thinking about it yesterday). Today is my 3rd day without viewing any images on the net, and being very conscious of my thoughts when I am looking at women. I wanted to work through my involvement with P and also mention the pain it causes others.

I think that my first encounters with MB were normal, natural and healthy (I hope so anyway), and I did develop a curiosity for magazines. So I would occaisionally purchase magazines and also not through them away. Which was discovered by my Mum (v embarrassing) and by my friends (not so embarrassing but was a bit uncomfortable at the time). However I think that my real involvement began when I started to indulge (or practice maybe?) on a daily basis. This was really brought about by a discovery on the internet. This would have been probably about 8 or 9 years ago. This was after i met my wife (we were engaged at the time). Since that time I think my wife has witnessed my habit maybe 3 times, but we have not really discussed it as an issue. However, about 2 years ago when we moved house and I designated a room as my 'music room' my wife has told me that she doesn't want to enter the room. She hasn't mentioned that this is because of my late night daily habit, but I'm sure that this is an un-discussed issue and that she sees the impact it has on me. I'm sure as with you FoolishMind, she can see any changes in me before I can. As regards being increasingly appalled by the images that I sought. I think I did go through a stage of this and recently found that I was not shocked by the images. I still wander if I am in denial now. I was very interested in what you say Light about having to take as many steps back as I did to come this way, and maybe I will think quite differently about my viewing habits. But I have recently noticed that the way I am thinking about women recently is becoming more and more base, and I am very worried about this way of thinking.
One of the things I haven't come across yet in this forum is the impact of the P industry on those women and men involved in it and the fact that I don't have any idea how many of the people in the images I was viewing were happy. There may be a small number, but the cost to people's happiness of the images I was viewing are not something close to me and not something I could value, but I know has got to be very high.
I don't know of anyone who has been in those situations and the cost to their lives. Are there any in this forum? I can't believe anything there leads to much happiness.

[Medium]

I have completed 5 days with some effort but not too much pain, but I expect this weekend will be tough. I spent quite a bit of time on the one angry girl web site the night before last and feel that I learnt a lot from it and feel like this was a turning point in my life. This really is just a dirty habit that can cause misery to a lot of people and ultimately debases me and restricts my brain.
My mind has wandered frequently. I'm not sure how I'll know when I have defeated this thing, but I know I haven't yet.

[021hallows]

This is a tough ask, you never never know when you fall... I have seen people fall after 2-3 years, so you can never let yourself off-guard. Its just a matter of that split second and all your efforts are washed out. So you can never say that is it..but then again the moment you are able to curb your desires and stay clean ..that is when you prevail but if you give in then you lose..


Peace

[Dominus]

I personally have gone nearly a year in an environment without computers or tv, and then when I returned I inmediately plummetted like a stone, I feel like I am permanently addicted to porn and I can't change that, but I now believe that I can keep the monster caged up. I love the peace of mind of a clear conscience and feeling like a real man when I keep the addiction under control. My wife has been very understanding and supportive and that extra desire to not let her down has supplemented my own desire to maintain my resolve, so I say let her help you. women arent fools anyhow and I will bet that she has at least an inkling of whats going on.