my boyfriend denys his addiction!

[marie19]

my boyfriend and i moved in together about 8 months ago. things were going great until i stumbbled upon his "past time activities" at first i didnt think too much about it, we just moved in and i was working alot i thought it was normal for all guys to peek a little. than it became more and more abvious that he was doing it when i left the room, late at night, when i went to the store, early in the morning...ect. when i confronted him he makes me feel bad some how. he says he needs his privacy and it has been somthing he has done since he was young, and now its just a habbit. i tried to understand and accept it but i cant lie about what my heart is feeling. its not like i have never watched porn, and im not a prud but its different when someone you love and make love to is addicted to it. i am tired of crying and arguing with him about it! I NEED HELP, BUT MORE IMPORTNATLY HE NEEDS HELP!!

[Light]

Marie, I know what you are going through. I have been that guy you described. All I can say is, you need to try to explain to him how it makes you feel. Eventually, I can see this affecting the intimacy with each other if it hasn't already.

The problem with porn is, it is always available, demands nothing from him in return, presents him with endless options and scenarios to look at, and so easy to access, he may (as I did) eventually prefer it to the real thing, which is really sad, and from my view starts to break down the relationship.

Have you considered writing your feelings down in a letter? It seems like this could be a better way to communicate your feelings to him than just talking to him. If you write it all out, everything, how it makes you feel, etc., maybe he will understand where you are coming from. Otherwise, if he doesn't change, be ready to accept the fact that porn may continue to be the "third partner" in your relationship.

[marie19]

thank you for responding. since the last time i logged on to this site my boyfriend and i talked, for the 1000th time aout porn and i told him (again) how it makes me feel and that i dont desire him the same way in bed since i found out about his addiction. he told me he was going to stop, watching porn on the "computer" and stop masterbating. because it was too much of a hassel hiding it from me. so he only stoped because i would get upset when i found out about it not because of how it made me feel. so long story short, things were going well for the past week. we are both off of work for the month and we have been together all week. (not giving him the chance to mb and watch porn anyway) until i went to get my nails fixed, that was his chance he turned on ondemand( tv) and did it than. i didnt know about it until the next day. than i had my friends over the next night and he stayed in the room, when i went to check on him the door was locked so i went in through our connecting bathroom and he jumped up and pretended like he was doing something else. i didnt know he had done it until he left for a superbowl party today. i went in the drawer that he quickly opened when i walked in last night and i found the (2) socks that he had used to cum in. i called him and had it out with him. i told him for the last time that i was tired of this and that i would leave him if i ever caught him doing it again. so he told me again he would stop. now i cant trust him and he still doesnt understand the reason why i want him to stop. i dont know what to do anymore. he doesnt know how bad it makes me feel, i have never cryed about something so much. he thinks its normal for guys to jack off and watch porn, but why when i am more than willing and i would fufill any of his fantasies. am i not enough for him? i dont know, please reply with some advice. until than ill try the letter. thank you

[Inshi]

Hello Marie,

Reading your posts brings back all these memories of stuff I used to go through cos of my Husband. Its like been there and done that.
Its not easy and I know exactly how you feel, ugly, betrayed and hurt.It is a very very nasty habit, that wrecks not just the PAs life but the life of people who love him/her too.
No matter how many times they promise to stop or look upset when u tell them or argue with them.Deep down they dont really care and think u are just being silly.My H promised me many times, even cried at how upset it made me.But after a day or 2, he was back at it.So everytime he does it cos u asked him to, just know that he will get back to it,in a few days.
I know he has promised you now, not cos he wants to stop but cos u asked him to.Mark my word, u will catch him at it again.
The best thing that happened to me was this site.It helped save my marriage.The advice and help I got from every1 here has kept our relationship alive.
As light suggested, write a letter to him about how you feel about his PA and how it has changed u as a person.Write everything in detail.And suggest he check out this site. Thats what I did with my H and the letter helped and now he is an active member of this site, check out our story ( he is called Foolishmind) and heres a link, u wud be able to see my letter http://www.throughtheflame.org/forum...?p=760#post760. So we seem to be going strong now and lifes a lot better now.
I still fell hurt and betrayed but I know, it will decrease eventually.

This is our final chance to save our marriage and I know that we need to support each other in doing that.And thats exactly what we are doing.

So write a strong letter and make sure he reads it.
Goodluck!

[marie19]

INSHI, thank you for the advice. i will write him a letter, i just have so much to say i dont know where to start. we talked again about the porn issue and he said that he will stop because he doesnt want to hurt me anymore and that he is sorry for lieing to me(witch is good)but... i want to believe him but i cant because he has never lied to me before so i know if he has been lieing to me about the porn than he really doesnt want me to know about it and he will keep lieing to me. I feel he will really try to stop(for a while) but once i start work again he will get that itch and do it again. In his mind he thinks if i dont know about it it wont hurt me. and that is a totally dishonest way of thinking. we are supposed to be getting married in the next year or so and i want to be able to trust him. Im hoping he will stop forever but im preparing myself for the day i cathch him again. i also want to show him this web site but i dont know how he will take it. he might be mad that i have been telling strangers all of our business. and in his eyes he probably feels that we should not talk about p again because he already said sorry and that he is going to stop, he will wonder why im bringing it up again. i just dont know. i guess ill just have to wait and see what happens. thank you again and im glad to hear that you and your husband are working things out.

[sammyclaire]

Hi marie,
sounds like you are going through a really tough time.
Im afraid i dont really have much advice- ive been going through the same thing and what ive learnt is that this is HIS addiction, and like any addiction people will say what they think people want to hear and may even mean it at the time but unless they are truely committed to trying to overcome it then there is nothing you can say or do except give yourself a limit as to what you can take and stick to it.
It IS a form of cheating, as he is well aware that it it beyond what you class as acceptable behaviour for a relationship, it is selfish and hurtful.

Thats not to say things cant get better- both Inshi and myself seem to be on the up with our guys. But thats only been possible (form my view anyway) as he has made so many steps to prove that i am all that he wants, and he doesnt want porn. My bf has cancelled all internet sites, email addresses and taken his computer apart so that he cant use it at all, let alone in his room (and it was his pride and joy- he built it from scratch himself!) and is even talking of selling it to his brother. Hes changed his phone number, seeing a sex therapist, and most importantly is there for me whenever i need him. He leaves his phone on loud everynight incase im upset, he lets me cry and scream at him if i need to and never once plays the im trying to get over it, stop reminding me etc card. hes just glad im still considering that we have a future. (big difference to last time, when he made me feel like it was me that had driven him to it and then made me wait while he decided if he still wanted to be with me! and no i dont know why i stayed then)

The lying is the big probem for me atm. I drove all the way back to his last night (an hour round trip after i just left his!) as id seen a phone statement by his bed and needed to see if there was anything he was hiding.... yes i am a bit crazy lol.
I dont know how i will ever believe him again, how i will ever stop doubting his motives, or wonder if hes just getting his 'fix' another way, i just hope i do. They dont think about us when they do it, but then does any addict? Its much easier to blank out anyone who might judge them and ultimately ask them to stop. If you find out how to learn to trust then please let me know!

As for telling him about this site, it might help. My bf has had a look (but cant get online now to post lol) but he may well not look if hes not really ready to deal with his problem. And as for bringing it up again when talking to him, hes hurt you and if he really wants you to trust him again he has to understand its a gradual process. My bf therapist said to him that trust is like a windscreen, one its broken it shatters into millions of little pieces and to trust again you have to put each little piece back one at a time- you cant do it overnight.

Goodluck x

[Inshi]

Hey u two,
Reading all the partners posts in this forum makes me so upset and sad.It is such a sad sad world. Why do women( i.e women on these porn sites) do this to other women( i.e me,u and millions of women across the globe), do they realise as to how many marriages they have wrecked and how many lives they have destoyed.
And why cant our partner see how unhappy we are cos of what they do, we suffer for the rest of our lives cos of the pleasure they get for an hour or so.
Marie,if your bf really cares about ur feelings and doesnt wanna hurt you, he will do something about his addiction.Iam so pleased for Sammy,cos her BF has acknowledged that he has a problem and is actually doing all he could to help save their relationship. My H is doing the same. It only takes one slip and that wud be the end of the whole road to recovery thing,gone to pot.But atleast we do know that they tried, and the addiction had taken over their lives and there wudnt be a place for me and porn in his life at the same time.Its either me or the porn.But its knowing that he is actually doing something to help himself and help me be happy.Cos I have been married for 5 years and in those 5 years, never had my husband to myself,cos I was sharing him with his Porn, which to me was like having an affair.My H has been P and MB free for the last month and its finally good to have the real guy I married back,its been wonderful.Without his P,he isthe most amazing guy I have ever met.With his P,I didnt know how I put up with that guy for 5 years.
When it comes to trusting him,I dont know as to when I wud ever trust him again.I really really dont know. I have trusted him so much in the past and thought he wudnt do that to me again.And boy! was I wrong. Something inside tells me, do not trust him, cos everytime I place my trust in him and start to believe him, he has done something to destroy that trust.And that hurt so badly, it really did.So this time, if I dont trust him and he does betray my trust, it wudnt hurt as bad as the last time.So like you 2, I dont know if or when I will ever trust him again.

If your BF really loves you, he would do something about his PA.Be strong and just remember that you are not the only one and we know what you are going through. Good luck!

[clog]

Marie,

I feel for you, because I was just like your boyfriend and I've come to realise how much hurt I've caused and how many precious things I've missed out on because of this awful addiction. It turns us into selfish monsters with no respect for anything but our need to get our fix.

Your boyfriend has a big problem and deep down I'm sure he knows he does. It isn't normal that he is waiting for every opportunity to seek out P. I'm sure he is like me in that even when he isn't looking at P, he is scheming to have his next opportunity to do so. In the warped mind of a PA, the people who are dear to us become obstacles to us getting our fix. And the result isn't pretty.

I had a shock of recognition when I read about him locking the door on you. I used to do that for fear of my wife or children wandering in. When asked why the door was locked, I'd think up some lame excuse like - the wind was rattling the door. How sad and stupid is that.

Now this may sound harsh Marie, but I think you are going to need to set some strict conditions on continuing with your boyfriend. He needs to accept he has a problem and begin to do something about it before you tie the knot. It's not enough for him to do it 'for you'. He needs to understand that he has a problem. That he is addicted. If he can't admit that, I'm afraid I'd advise you to walk away. He may eventually see the light, but in my case that took 30 years. There is an awful lot of crying and hurting you can do in 30 years.

Good luck with this. Do get your boyfriend to look at this site. Get him to sign up if you can and we'll support him in his struggle.

Clog.

[marie19]

thank you all. i didnt expect to have this many replys and as much as i would love to reply to you all individually i just dont have the time or the finger power. lol but thank you all for your support and advice, believe it or not everything you all are telling me is true and it is making my situation a whole lot better(for me)to deal with, i dont feel as hopeless. things are still going okay between my bf and i, there has been no sign of porn in the last few days. but as sad as it sounds im still waiting for him to slip. i have set STRICK ground rules with him. i showed him my suitcase and told him that the next time i find out or catch him watching p and mb im leaving. he assures me he wants to be with me, and i think the thought of me leaving really scares him. even though he has not watched p or mb, i really just want him to admit to me and himself that he has a problem. when i ask him if he thinks he has a problem, i can see that he wants to say he does, but he has way too much pride to admit to having a problem.(at least a p problem). but im not giving up on him, i love him with all my heart and i know he feels the same way.

i feel like im going crazy sometimes, because he wakes up before me (around 7) and goes into the living room. and as much as i would love to be sleeping i just lay there listening to every move he makes. i know what the click of a mouse sounds like, if he is playing video games or if the volume is a little too low on the tv. is that crazy or what??? i feel like a hawk stalking his prey. i hate that i live like that, and i fell like im not giving him his privacy... but how can i when i dont trust him anymore. there is also one other thing i do that lets me know i have gone off the deep end... my bf likes wearing black socks but he also has white socks as well. but he does not wear the white ones because for some reason he likes to mb and c in those. so i counted how many white socks he has and i would check his draws every morning when he would goto work to make sure they were all there. if one was missing i went lookng for the evidence so i could use that in "court" (an argument) is that nuts or what??? im losing my mind please tell me im not the only one who does crazy things like that...

again, thank you all for your support and advice. i was feeling a little upset to day and i feel a lot better now that i have vented my frustrations.

[marie19]

thank you all. i didnt expect to have this many replys and as much as i would love to reply to you all individually i just dont have the time or the finger power. lol but thank you all for your support and advice, believe it or not everything you all are telling me is true and it is making my situation a whole lot better(for me)to deal with, i dont feel as hopeless. things are still going okay between my bf and i, there has been no sign of porn in the last few days. but as sad as it sounds im still waiting for him to slip. i have set STRICK ground rules with him. i showed him my suitcase and told him that the next time i find out or catch him watching p and mb im leaving. he assures me he wants to be with me, and i think the thought of me leaving really scares him. even though he has not watched p or mb, i really just want him to admit to me and himself that he has a problem. when i ask him if he thinks he has a problem, i can see that he wants to say he does, but he has way too much pride to admit to having a problem.(at least a p problem). but im not giving up on him, i love him with all my heart and i know he feels the same way.

i feel like im going crazy sometimes, because he wakes up before me (around 7) and goes into the living room. and as much as i would love to be sleeping i just lay there listening to every move he makes. i know what the click of a mouse sounds like, if he is playing video games or if the volume is a little too low on the tv. is that crazy or what??? i feel like a hawk stalking his prey. i hate that i live like that, and i fell like im not giving him his privacy... but how can i when i dont trust him anymore. there is also one other thing i do that lets me know i have gone off the deep end... my bf likes wearing black socks but he also has white socks as well. but he does not wear the white ones because for some reason he likes to mb and c in those. so i counted how many white socks he has and i would check his draws every morning when he would goto work to make sure they were all there. if one was missing i went lookng for the evidence so i could use that in "court" (an argument) is that nuts or what??? im losing my mind please tell me im not the only one who does crazy things like that...

again, thank you all for your support and advice. i was feeling a little upset to day and i feel a lot better now that i have vented my frustrations.