PA ruining my sex life - help please (or just relate)

[slanted]

This is my first time on this forum. I'm 23. I'm not religious by educated choice - this is not the place to argue such things. I would prefer non-faith related help.

I think that pornography ruins my sex life with my girlfriend (who doesn't know about this and telling her would really really really be best avoided). We're moving away together in about 8 months and I don't want to ruin things before we leave.

Sometimes I lose my erection or I have less interest. First, because sometimes I already masturbated earlier that day. Second, I think, because what I was looking at was so much more exciting than plain old vanilla sex.

I think its pornography because whereas I have problems with real sex, when masturbating to pornography I'm in a complete world of ecstasy, hard as a rock every time.

For about 4 years I'd been masturbating about twice a day sometimes 4 or 5 to pornography. Femdom especially turns me on as does other types of humiliation pornography. In the last month I've done it 0 times a day... with one relapse about 4 days ago. But I still take peeks at pictures or videos... (instantly when I do this I feel a rush in my brain, my cheeks flush, its really a brilliant feeling - but not worth it) I hope to stop this too.

I think asking my girlfriend to engage in the things I look at would not help. 1. because I don't want to actually be humiliated in real life... i just like the idea of it. 2. The suggestion would make her very very very uneasy... even though I don't think she'd leave our otherwise loving and good relationship because of it.

A couple of times she's mentioned she likes the idea of dominatrixes... I think she was joking... besides... she doesn't understand the extent...

I really wish that I could get as horny during sex as I do during masturbation. Its not just her either, she's really hot and exotic, plus this has happened with a number of girls also pretty hot themselves.

Thus pornography has got me by making me ultimately aroused by things I'd never dreamed of before seeing them and by things so weird and unrealistic that I'd never practice them in real life.

[FoolishMind]

Hi Slanted, and welcome to the site. In my humble opinion, your situation is not that straightforward.

You have explained that you releive yourself with more happiness by looking at P and MB. And you are not that turned on by the real thing.

You have also said that you would not want to reveal what you "really" like to your g/f.

PA can desensetize yourself completley to what is real and what is not. Yet you acknowledge that P is affecting your look on your g/f.
This said you do not want to be open and honest and explain this situation to your g/f.

In this scenario, I feel something has to give. i.e. be honest with you g/f after the potential initial shock, she will admire you for your honesty and if genuine love is there, I have no doubt she will support you on this.

Of course the other scenario is if you feel the trix style you like could increase your libido toward your g/f then again, being honest to her about this, is the best thing. If she cares and loves you, I have no doubt she will want to please you, as you would want to for her.

The road to recovery on PA is most definatley a difficult one, and there is no one simple answer as everyone has there own individual battle and an individual battle plan to counter there PA.

What triggered you to look for this site? Have you and you g/f argues about this before? have you been caught before? There are a number of members here and each will be able to offer you some advice, so let us know a little bit more about the situation.

All the best.

[021hallows]

Hi slanted,
Your situation is quite complicated, since you don't want to make your girl a part of this, you have to be pretty strong in your resolve. Try to stay resolute even in adverse scenarios, you could go out for a walk try to get engaged in some activity that may keep your mind occupied. You have to do this consciously a few times.
And please do not even consider of getting your girl into the porn thing, I do appreciate the fact that you haven't so far. This might further complicate things, more so if you are planning a long term relationship with her.
Stay strong and try not to give in to any urges..that's actually the key.

Peace

[Angel4all]

hi Slanted, here are some resources that will help you understand how pornography drains your energy and destroys your connection with your partner...NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT THIS.

I completely understand your desire to steer clear of "religious" solutions, but I am going to suggest some spiritual and philosophical solutions which you can also view from a scientific or secular viewpoint if you so choose. I think all these ways are valid, but you must choose to study what speaks to you. Let's start with Biochemistry...see links below.

Your GF can feel your "secret" and that you are hiding something in her energy and it may impact her in unconscious or subconscious ways by contributing to negative impacts in her emotional body >>which is what is feeding your energy in the sex act (lies or lies by omission on any level in a union pollute your connection and keep you from experiencing true intimacy, and gathering energy that is pure from it). A woman's womb energy is extremely powerful and feeds you in a way, but if the energy she gives back is awry, you get that too - when your sacred union is polluted and is fed impurity or betrayal it goes haywire and the fallout lands on you ultimately -in your energy exchange. This is hard to understand at first, but if you listen to your body, your energy body, not your intellect, you will feel this and these principles at work, you do not need to seek any religions or philosophy or science to feel this at work in yourself, you need only listen to the messages of your inner self and dialog with your true self. In connecting to pornography you are feeding your most negative self and disconnecting with your higher self and true self...This INDUSTRY IS LYING TO US ALL.

In your relationship you are both disconnected from your union right now and the more you turn to "intimate release outside your intimate union" the more you are moving the sacred energy of your relationship outside this scope as well] and this is dangerous to your emotional energies. You may both be mirroring each other in ways you don't realize, and you can bet that if you have a secret addiction, SO DOES SHE...there is a mirror in an intimate union, and your energies are intertwined...Have you seen:

WWW.THESECRET.TV

First you must read: Lust & the Primitive Brain
http://www.reuniting.info/science/po...rimitive_brain

Then Try Marnia's Peace Method found in PEACE BETWEEN THE SHEETS online at
http://www.reuniting.info/resources/...tion_addiction

Especially for men in masturbating without a partner you lose sacred energy that cannot come back to you. Why do you think before a big game a coach might ask his players to stop masturbating for a time. Men lose allot of energy in the sex act and even more energy in masturbation without a partner, and also in having sex with a partner who is not in a loving/and yes fully committed to your energy - if either of you is having sex outside the relationship/ exchange with you also drains your energy - i.e. having promiscuous sex with a partner who you are not really intimately connected with.

I have been studying martial arts, acupressure, shiatsu, Zen, Yoga, TANTRIC, and Kundalini principles, Chi-gong, and other "energy science" traditions that are centuries old, for a few years now. In the West, we are just starting to become aware of these principles and there is no need for you to practice yoga or "believe in' or buy into anything to start to see these fundamental energy laws at work in the universe all around you. Just feel and intuit your own way, and go toward what speaks to you - as long as its not pornography! This is lower energy path, if you follow it, it will lead you to darkness, negativity, suffering, pain, disconnection, and loss of love and pure sacred love energy.

I can tell you that no self respecting Taoist would be caught dead wasting the sexual energy. It is considered the life force, the very thing that keeps you alive.

No need to say that casual sex, disconnected from love, and all form of pornography or bestial disconnected sex (without a full spiritual union, and yes, I am aware not many of us even know what that is anymore) taints the sacred sexual energy. It‘s been documented in Oriental science, and in yoga and health traditions for centuries. Best Wishes on your Journey!

Please read more online at:

Promiscuity & Loss of Sacred Sex Energy Discussion Forum
http://www.womansavers.com/forum-for...1/18090-2.html

My other posts:
http://www.throughtheflame.org/forum...read.php?t=136

[Angel4all]

A Man Speaks Against Pornography: Pornography and the Death of Empathy
http://www.southendpress.org/2007/items/87767

Listen to Robert Jensen‘s discussion of the reach and impact of pornography in US society on March 9, 2007. Paraphrasing from Robert Jensen:

"Porn is used to get men in the mood to kill, there is the military Connection. On pornography and the death of empathy: men are being trained to ignore the experiences and feelings of women. Women in pornography are systematically subjected to cruelty and humiliation.

This is a death of empathy. This plays out in public contexts all the time. It’s a serious problem in this culture. In a predatory corporate capitalist system, we have to constantly struggle to reconnect as human beings."

[slanted]

Thanks for your help you guys.

I did it again today. I had an hour to myself and typed something foolish into the search engine... from there on in I kept thinking... a little bit more won't hurt... until it was too late...

I really truly believe I'll beat this. Here is my problem: I get really horny and I think to myself: I don't have a problem -- then I permit myself to look up the wonderfully perverted things I do...

I found this site because I was looking for help. At first I was looking at stuff about masturbation addiction. But then it didn't seem relevent... I don't masturbate without porn, my addiction (if you want to call it that - its certainly not on the scale of a heroine or alcohol problem) is to porn, not masturbation... so I thought this was perfect.

I can't let my girlfriend know, Foolishmind, she's pretty oldfashioned in her ways, she wouldn't understand. We have argued about this before, but I've never gotten caught. She knows I look at porn and once I suggested that I couldn't get it up cause I was looking at porn and she flipped out - she thinks I like those girls better than her....

For the most part, I'm too humiliated to tell her.

Otherwise, if I can't get it up she makes a big deal over it (which I know doesn't help the situation) cause she thinks its cause I'm not attracted to her or something.

I've been performing well lately... mostly I think cause I've managed to stay away from the internet. I try not to end up alone in my dorm room... that is the key. I think I will cancel the internet altogther for the summer months... though its pretty sad that it has to come to that.

Part of the reason I lapsed today is because I know we won't be having sex tonight. Its pretty bad that I have to hope she doesn't want to give me a BJ. ... sigh... they used to be my fav...

Still though... I find that even when I used to not have a girlfriend... if I did this kind of thing too much I'd become almost asexual in my social life... which is certainly not as fun...

As far as all that energy stuff works and the 'secret to all happiness', well I'll just have to clear my throat and if you hear 'mumbo jumbo' then its probably just your imagination.

One thing I do find that helps, however, is good old fashioned meditation. No bells and whistles, just find a how-to-meditate page on the web and meditate. I really helps keep a reign on MY on YOUR thoughts... because I think we do and should own them afterall.

[Angel4all]

You really should read: Lust & the Primitive Brain
http://www.reuniting.info/science/po...rimitive_brain

Then Try Marnia's "Peace Method" found in PEACE BETWEEN THE SHEETS online at
http://www.reuniting.info/peace_between_the_sheets

If you don't try anything other mumbo jumbo and BTW, being snide shows your immaturity, you might want to check your EMPATHY LEVELS AFTER BEING PORNIFIED SON, at least look at these links - they are based in biochemistry and understanding your cellular level is very important to understand how you are suffering. There really are no secrets if you have the desire to uncover the truth for yourself.


& DE-PROGRAM YOUR PORNIFICATION it feeds into a level of pain and misery all over the world, and when you login into it - you are supplying yourself and feeding your mind with that energy too. BEWARE!

See the documentary of Noam Chomsky's Manufactuing Conscent

Belief Works
http://www.everydaywisdom.us/Assets/flashmovies/commercial-youtube.swf


Hardcore History Lesson
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...arch&plindex=0

Predatory capitolism is dividing families, individuals, and women from men....

The Goddess/feminine/womb/mother principle is being commodified and reduced to its shallowest aspect in pornographic culture now on a global scale.

"Where you will find no decent women, you will find no decent men. The disrespect and disregard for of woman/feminine principle as sacred, is a large part of the reason that the earth is in the condition that it is in..." -Tunda Asega African Spiritualist and Activist

"WOMAN IS THE KEY TO THE KINGDOM OF GOD." - ISLAMIC PRINCIPLE

This crosses all religions, all politics, all boundaries, and borders - they are saying it may be the human rights issue of our time. Where do you stand?

Don't live a lie, everyone knows when you are lying on some level, and your GF knows it too. Find the inner peace and integrity/authenticity in yourself to connect to real love, until you do everytihing in the world (especially in your world) suffers even when it feels like you are "getting off." Everything in your external world is a reflection of your internal world. ALign these worlds...or suffer the consequences. As DR Phil says, When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences.

http://www.heaventoearth.com/

[Light]

Slanted, I don't think your situation is so complicated. What you are describing is plain and simple, and affects many people here I think.

You look at more and more extreme forms of pornography to chase the "high" you once felt. The rush you describe is normal, I know exactly what you are talking about. "Normal sex" will never satisfy you if you keep feeding your mind on this stuff. There is no way real women can compete, plain and simple.

There is only one thing to do if you want the "thrill" to return to your relationship, and that is kick the porn and mb. And don't expect it to fix everything overnight. You didn't get to this place overnight, and it won't go away overnight. You need to understand you have built up a tolerance to sex so that normal things don't arouse you anymore.

If you want the spark to return to your relationship you must do this. It's really not fair to your partner. If you are looking at porn and mb'ing that much every day, it's little surprise that you don't have any sexual energy left for her.

Just remember, you have spent years filling your head with this stuff, and it won't go away easily. It will be hard work, and require dedication, but I assure you that life is better without porn and mb. The bond between you and your partner will grow immensely. The more you continue to reinforce this habit, the harder it will be to quit in the future.

Good luck, if you want things to get better, it's your choice, and the choices you make every day that will make it work.

[Betaman700]

Originally Posted by Light

"Normal sex" will never satisfy you if you keep feeding your mind on this stuff. There is no way real women can compete, plain and simple.

I can really relate to all of these posts and I went through this too. I was addicted to porn for many years and it ruined my intimacy, as I kept seeking bigger and bigger and more and more graphic "highs" seeking more and more graphic stuff, and more and more hardcore stuff. I got almost obsessed at times when I couldn't stop if I wanted to.

It ruined one major relationship that I was in as well. My Girlfriend kept catching me in the lies, and I just couldn't stop even though all I wanted was to return to having "normal sex" because sex with a real woman is actually so much beyond compare to anything you can whack off to staring at your computer monitor for hours. But I couldn't get past my addiction back then, to have enough clarity to see this.

Some days I was spending 10-15 hours on porn online at one point. I even took a vacation from my job at one point and spent a whole week online, everyday, and I just couldn't stop myself. It got to the point where I even did it till I bled sometimes. I have the scars from that too.

I have finally quit porn and I am free for nearly 8 months and I think the Internet stuff is too easy, and too seductive, and too easy to get addicted to. BUT I DO NOT THINK THAT GETTING OFF ALONE WITH MY COMPUTER CAN EVER COMPARE TO BEING LOVED AND TOUCHED BY A REAL WOMAN/PARTNER.

I think that the only reason we say women can't compete - I thought that many times myself, is because no one can compete with an addiction of any kind and we should never expect them too either that is a time to say goodbye I need to work on myself. The right thing to do would be to take a break and try to get yourself together before dragging her into this too.

No one should be expected to compete with an addiciton whether its heroin, or alcohol, gambling, or porn....and sadly you just can't have a full relationship with anyone OTHER THAN YOUR ADDICTION, until you hit rock bottom, and are ready to give it up so you can live a full life. Part of the reason that we turn to negative behaviors or addictions to fill the void, is that we fear living a full life, or we fear experiencing full or real intimacy. But that fear is keeping us living in he**.

"Never date an addict of any kind. Someone who cannot treat themselves right, cannot treat you right either." -Sherry Argov

Slanted, I have to say that you are headed for disaster, and that your GF may be the one to get hurt when it hits, and it always does. If she is against pornography and you are not willing to give it up, you need to be honest with her enough to trust her fully with your truth, especially if you plan to continue to look at porn because eventually this could really end up hurting her and if you are really a man and you really care for this woman, you owe her better than lies and deception and if you let her get hurt by your lies, that's some heavy emotional baggage to carry around. THe pornography is a lie to yourself, and you are beginning on the path of living the lie. The lie will make you rationalize your other lies to this woman, but the lie is the beginning of the end and lies always have to come out if it takes 2 days or 2 years... Trust me. I wish someone had slapped me in the face and told me to wake up or your going to lose something important...I lied to my ex too, and I live with my mistake daily, and my ex-fiancee has stopped talking to me now and I finally lost her for good. And she was not the type that comes along easily or everyday. I think I lost my soulmate and life partner and I know I hurt her so bad she is now in counseling too to recover from being a "victim of pornograpy" as I know she has joined an advocacy group in that...You don't want to live with that kind of remorse, trust me.

"If you dont tell her the truth, you are swindling her soul."
-Meet Joe Black

Now, I am looking into the site about Sacred Sex now from above - the energy of real love is definitely far better than anything you can get from a cut and pasted glossy image of some porn world bimbo (there's a new one everyday right) who's selling herself to a million million lost souls on an Internet site full of depraved meaningless sex for sale, sex divorced from reason, compassion, empathy, rationality, and love. I always felt in my energy that this was doing something to me and that it was wrong, but I just couldn't stop until it was too late...don't end up like me. My pornography addiction started when I was 15 and I am 40 years old now. Of course, it got worse in the mid-90's when the Internet really got going. But I am 40 and I lost the only woman who ever truly loved me, and who I truly loved. I lost everything and I tell everyone in men's groups now that PORN RUINED MY LIFE...

I really appreciate the links abve from ANgel4all. I am just starting to get into martial arts and meditation and it has really helped me get past my addiction, but I know this will be a lifelong battle for me.

"We are all made of love, God is Love, and We are God." Bridging Heaven & Earth

To me looking back at a nearly 20 year addiction that started in my teens I feel like there were my times I thought and would have said that real love or a real woman can't compete with what I am getting online, but now I know that I was paying for a peek show that seemed as exciting as riding a toy store pony must be to a child that's never ridden a real horse. I was paying .25 cents a ride to ride a plastic pony for years, when I could have been riding a real horse into a real future with real love, instead of the plastic kind you have to buy.

This is exactly the lie that the PORN INDUSTRY PUSHES ON MEN, that the fantasy is somehow better than the real thing.... and when I was younger I bought into every part of this being all about proving my masculinity...until I realized it was all an illusion and worse a lie that compromised my integrity and cost me what really did matter.

The Sex Industry an the related media is lying to us all. We have to stop buying into the lie and the illusion. We have to stop ourselves.

They say, you don't know what you have until you lose it....all I can say is, don't end up like that - learn from my mistakes if possible.

There's more to life than porn, SHUT OFF YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION NOW, get free of it, before it gets a hold of you.

You have the power to pull the plug.

Porn does change your biochemistry and impacts your psychology, it changes your mind, and it is not a change for the better...

Best of Luck

[sammyclaire]

As a gf who recently did discover pretty much everything that you say you are hiding, my two pence is that you have a simple choice- either carry on lying to her and let her discover what you are doing, as she will- whether it is tomorrow of five years from now.

In the meantime she will know that there is something you are hiding. I spent two years being made to feel unsexy, undesirable, generally unwanted as my bf was never interested in sex with me. If you truly care for her can you really do that to her? its not just you involved in this addiction- its everybody close to you, everybody you lie to, and especially her as you are not being open, honest or trusting of her- all key things in a relationship.

So the other choice is to break up, if you cant stop this or cant tell her the truth, or to tell her.

Telling her would at least show that you care enough about her to be honest, that you are admitting you have a problem and want her support, and more than that- that you arnt being satisfied by you relationship as it stands and you might find a compromise where you are more experimental to help you, but within her boundries too.

Yes she will be shocked and upset, and hurt and will question your motives and reasons for doing P- and with good reason! you have been lying to her and bringing other women into your relationship, but if your relationship is worth anything she will at least listen.

The ironic thing with me and my bf is that many of his fantasies and ideas i wouldnt mind trying- i may not want to bring them into our sex life everyday but im willing to try. If we work things out then i am actually excited about what may happen. I say if we work it out, as i had to find out all of this myself so i dont trust him, he didnt have the courage or respect for me to be open with me. Dont end up in the same situation.