The truth is painful - but required

[FoolishMind]

This is really hard for me to do a journal style or posting, mainly because my wife will see this aswell. But i think it is neccessary as it is the lack of honesty that would have ultimatley broken us. So with that in mind, I am sure she will respect me a small miniscule amount for helping myself, and hopefully helping others at the same time.

I think a forum like this is fantastic, to see other people going through their own journeys similar to yours and the support you receive. I truly value the members here taking time to read one anothers posts and respond, and I will definatley do likewise, as this is what makes this site a success.

So my scenario: (I dont even want to say I am a PA) I have been looking at P for years, and since married for 5 years, have been caught several times. All times have never really changed, as I never really saw it as a problem. Truthfully just blamed my wife for being silly.

On Saturday 5th Jan, I was caught again, And received an e-mail from my wife explaining all. The impact of this was huge, it was like a huge wave coming and smacking me in the face, letting me know for the first time how much ive hurt her. (she has screamed and cried about this many times before) but this time was different, Reading her words was so powerful, I felt truly sick and disgusted with myself. I personally am a very confident person, and to feel this way about myself is horrible. But I really understood where she is coming from.

All the times before, i would tell myself, yeah its easy, i will stop looking at this stuff, and honestly i wouldnt for days, weeks and sometimes months. But it would take one moment of boredem when on your own, and BAM, you suddenly like a wolf on the hunt. After the hunt is over, and youve made your kill, I feel soooo guilty. and i wipe away all the evidence, and try and remove the images from my mind. Trying to get my mind in order. And this wave of events becomes a vicious circle.

I am in reality now, and am aware of my weaknesses and my weak times. I do not want my wife to think I am disgusting and always thinking of P.

Last few days since our argument, I have cowered and put myself in a protective bubble, being very quiet and solitude, Company has been my Ipod and just listening to relaxing music. The urge to look at stuff generally doesnt come unless im on my own. Thats my trigger. It is a great releif that Cybersitter software is on both my home and work laptop, as this stops me even trying.

Even more difficult is the day to day normality. I am human, and hetero . I do like and a healthy relationship, and i am attracted to females. Right now, I am embarresed to look at any women on TV that looks half good. I am frightened when watching a shampoo advert when a woman is having a shower, that my wife is thinking that im getting high! I am so embarressed. Yesterday i was watching TV in bed, and was shocked at virtually every advert of tv program there is some scantily clad women. I know sells, but i feel so delicate at the moment, i just put my head under the duvet. I did not trust myself to subject my eyes to this provocative stuff.

I feel so sad, I feel like im not normal. Im at work, and im so paranoid, i feel like everyone knows, i feel what if the IT team check what im looking at and see this site! What if all my staff see. I dont want to be labelled as a PA.

I know im a good person at heart, but through my selfish acts, i have really hurt the most dearest person to me, and even though i may have thought what i was doing is harmless, It clearly was affecting my moods, and the quality time i spend with my wife.

I feel like i have just regurgitated the entire contents of my mind on this page now.

But it feels good.

[Dominus]

Hello Mind - I dont want to call you foolish mind! I admire you for your honesty and openness. You are normal, its normal for any man when confronted with a partially clad beauty to be tantalized to want to see more - its how we are made, its just that in a 'normal' society the only scantily clad person you should see should be your wife, and all these other women in the media cloud and confuse our minds. the problem with the porn is that it is an unachievable goal and we constantly look for harder and harder stuff to satisfy, but we are never satisfied with it as it isnt normal. I remember the first time I saw hard core porn how shocked I was, but now I am not shocked and slowly slowly I find more explicit content normal, maybe this is your experience? This kind of mental conditioning just cannot be right.

I didnt get caught for 15 years and I wish that I had because maybe I could have turned things around years back. this argument with your wife and subsequent letters could be the best things to happen to combat this problem. Dont let it destroy you with guilt, but its a good time to get tough on yourself, you are a lucky man to have a wife who loves you so.

[FoolishMind]

Originally Posted by Dominus

I didnt get caught for 15 years and I wish that I had because maybe I could have turned things around years back. this argument with your wife and subsequent letters could be the best things to happen to combat this problem. Dont let it destroy you with guilt, but its a good time to get tough on yourself, you are a lucky man to have a wife who loves you so.

Dominius i couldnt agree with you more, In a strange way this argument, was probably the best thing that has happened. It has brought out everything in the open, and it genuinley makes me feel stronger.

Its been 5/6 days since i was "found out" and myself and my wife now, are making civil conversation, which is great compared to toal silence.

I have kept really busy at work, and at home, if theres nothing on TV i just close my eyes and listen to my iPod.

Yesterday, went to my lodger's room as he asked me if i wanted to play Xbox, so i did, i was playing some racing game , and He was on his PC, and he had this wallpaper of a very good looking woman. In a split second, i felt myself having an argument inside my head. it was like one voice was saying wow shes hot, whats her name, would like to know more. Then this other voice was like shut the F*** up Shes a good looking woman, so what, trun your head and get back to your game.

I listened to the second voice. as sad as that sounds, i felt proud for a minute or two over, Although I wasnt paying attention to the rac i was playing on Xbox, which resulted in me smashing a very nice Porche Carerra 4.

I was reading a post from Light this morning, and he was mentioning how its making him feel better with new poeple on her and the activity created. I feel exactly the same, I am routining myself to log on here every morning at work and every evening, I find it very helpful, to keep it real for me, and if I can offer a word our two I will.

Im sorry, but i keep needing to thank everyone, SO thank you. And 100% thanks to Inshi. I am a very very lucky man I was on a razors edge to losing you. But im also aware that im gonna be on that edge for a long time, as it only takes one slip up, and i will come home to an empty house.

That wont happen.

[Light]

The triggers are everywhere, especially when you are just getting started...

I remember someone telling me something like "it's human to look once, but when you look twice that's when the problems start."

Since it is impossible for us to go around with our eyes shut, we are bound to see triggers and things that would make us slip up. But the challenge is, when you see those things, to look away and not take that second (or third) look, and to not dwell on the fact that you are "missing" something. The result is much more peace and happiness for you in return.

I have definitely found that practicing this has helped me not only with "real life women" but a lot of things that I can't avoid, like billboards on my drive to work, or magazines in the checkout aisle, etc.

Similarly, I used to have friends who would send me weblinks to girls, or talk a lot about P or check out girls all the time. I have tried to stop spending so much time with those friends, and develop the relationships that are healthy and don't re-inforce my bad habits.

Good luck Mind and have a great day!

[FoolishMind]

I am really hurting today. Last night I just missed my wife so much havent so much as brushed passed her in 5 days. I asked for her permission to hold her hand, which she agreed. In my head i wanted to keep saying sorry sorry sorry, but due to me abusing that word, lep quiet, and was just thankful she still held me. I then noticed her just gazing up, completley detatched. I felt really horrible, i didnt want her to be with me thinking of images all the time, and thinking of me as disgusting. I plucked the courage to ask her if this is what she was thinking, She said no at first, but explained that she doesnt want me to forget, because of all the previous times, i have sad so many words and then basically gone back on my word. Naturally I understood that, and had nothing to say.

She thanked me for making effort and being honest and open about it this time, and then for about an hour reminded me of all the things shes seen of me, and ..wow..its not good, made my stomach twist and turn. What the hell have i done to her.

I am trying to understand why I have done this over and over again. but i just cant. I am smoker, and i can in some silly way explain to myself that i smoke, when i am stressed and chills me out, but I genuinley cant explain to her why i would look at P.

And you know what I also used to do, if I watched a TV programme and was vaguely attracted to some women, when i was on the computer next, I would look for images on that person. My wife was explaining she finds it difficult to watch these programmes now because she s these woman.

Again...What the hell have i done to her. I know things can get better, and she has beaten my pride and my ego down so much, i am so humbled, and i just want to get things back on track, P is not worth it. But honestly i am so frightened things heal, but the scar on the relationship will be so big, that it will become pointless.

I dont know if im asking for advice or simply crying and feeling sorry for myself, right now i would swap some real intense physical pain to what im feeling inside right now.

[Dominus]

Sounds like your having a brutal wake up call buddy, I feel for you! Know exactly what you mean about seeing girls on tv and then looking them up on the internet after, I used to do that too.

[FoolishMind]

Week 1 - P & MB free.

It was this time last week I was caught.
Honestly this site has really kept my strength up and temptations at bay when online. I am seeing myself just hovering from forum to forum, just feeling safe in the cyber world.

Have been spending most of last week, really trying to analyse my mind set, why I did things, what made me do them, what where my triggers etc. And this has really consciously helped me. I am still quite frightened to watch TV, have watched the odd cookery program and such, but nothing with the potential of a provocative women. (That means 99% of programmes out the window) I remember flicking through the channels of TV and would pause if anything caught on to a sx/ual temptation, I felt myself doing this the other day, but as soon as i caught on to what i was doing, Just found some wildlife program, and parked the remote control down.

This weekend, pretty broke, and dont have a lot to do, so really dont want to get bored.

[Dominus]

Hey guys, I may not be able to post for a while because I am going on a cram course to get my A+ and Net+ certification for the next 7 days, and the week after I am away. i will try to check in but if I dont its not because i have givenup or anything. You here have been a huge help to me and my little click counter (which my wife bought me) up on my computer now says 24 days which I am very pleased with. I am resolved to stay porn free until my return and I hope you can too. 'Light' - Be the change you wish to see, 'Not so foolish mind and Inshi' - keep reflecting on the things that matter, and 'hallows' - May you continue to have the peace of a clear conscience!

bye

[Inshi]

Thank you so much for all your support Dominus.Its not been easy for us but we are trying and hopefully this time it will last forever.I dont wanna give up on my H cos I love him too much and dont wanna lose him for something as stupid as P.I know it takes just one slip and all ur hard works gone to waste again,but Iam gonna take one step at a time and see how it goes,if it works,then great, we will live happily ever after, till death do us apart and all that, if not we might have to go our separate ways.Iam not gonna give up and I know he wouldnt throw our 5 year marriage away for an hour of internet pleasure.

Thank you and have a safe journey and well done, ur wife must be proud of u.

[FoolishMind]

Had a really crappy day at work today, and just couldn't wait to leave. Finally did leave about an hour early, and then when I got home, the house was all empty. Immediatley, these thoughts came into my head. I couldn't believe it. This is my weak area, being alone. I straight away picked up my car keys and went back out and just randomly spent some money (not so clever either), but then thought, no, this is ridiculous. So came back home, and thoughts popped in again, I had to say 'NO' out aloud, to kind off shut my head up from the thoughts. Jumped straight on my laptop and logged on here.

Thoughts have gone now, I think the temptation only lasts for a minute or two to be honest.

My wife knows im a generally weak willed person, which is weird because my character would come across as quite a strong willed one.

Anyway, Im proud of myself right now, Any other day, home alone, i would be surfing and watching P. Today, I am here, and i feel safe.

Reading some of the articles posted recently about how people /children! have got into P due to financial and other pressures, really makes you think. These arent real people. And why do we fuel it?

I feel a strength growing inside of me, and a new love for my wife. Everyday catch her face one in a while and can see she drifts of and thinks about the things i have done and exposed her too. It pains me, it really does. Today she e-mailed me to say sorry because she was off with me. I told her immediately to not apologies to me. I don't want to forget what I have done to her. It is going to be a very slow process, But i prefer it that way. I want to fall in love with my wife again for the right reasons. There is a new strength in me that I feel growing, and it was her that planted this seed. But for it to be planted she had to rip out my insides first and bring be down to real life. I actually feel excited now, Imagine if she never found out? Imagine if i carried on till i was a grandfather with this horrible secret? S/X and intimacy should be cherished and special with the one you love and care for, not to be ruined by cheap .

Thank You Inshi.