My Struggle

[HalfPint]

12-27-2007

That is the very last date that I looked at porn.

today marks the 11 day of being 100% porn and MB free. I praise God for every one of those days. In fact, I'm going to go as far as to say that I thank God for every second that made up every minute, that made up every hour of each of those days.

One reason that 11 days is so important is because I have NEVER gone this long without porn AND without MBing. The longest I had ever gone, since I started looking at porn and MBing is 7 or 8 days, and thats because I was on a trip with my church or something like that.

How am I doing this?
I don't know . . . other than to say this: God has given me the strength to seek help, through this forum, and has given me strength to over come the "need" to look at porn. I have found the last couple of days are starting to slowly get less and less stressful as my body tries to overcome the addictions. I'm trying to find other things that I can occupy my time with, and whenever I get the urge, I start listening to music, or I get on here and start reading stories of people who are continuing to make it.

I am going to try to keep posting in here as much as possible. This forum has helped me more than I ever though it would, even though this is only my 6th post. It makes me happy to say, the images are fading, the names are disappearing, and the URL's are being erased.

[Light]

That's awesome HalfPint! I really enjoyed reading your post tonight, I am so happy for you. It's also very encouraging for me.

Congratulations on your success, and don't let your guard down! I'm rooting for you

[HalfPint]

Topic of this post: With every night comes a greater challenge.

Well . . . I kind of thought I would start this post by saying what I will be talking about. I think everyone who is trying to recover, is recovering, or has recovered, from a porn addiction knows what I'm talking about just by reading the topic of this post.

Monday was a difficult day for me, as I talked about in a thread posting previously. I had many temptations of various forms. There were many, what some would call "soft core" images of women on tv and in the newspaper, also not to mention that I went through my computer, double making sure all of the junk was disposed of properly. Monday night was hard, as the topic suggests, with every night comes a greater challenge. Monday marked the 11th day of being porn free. Being that right now its almost 2 in the morning where I am, I can correctly say that I have made it through 12 days porn free. However, also, Monday night into Tuesday morning was quite difficult. Its hard to describe so I will just compare it to what I learned in health class about drugs. When someone has been using certain drugs for a while and they come off of them they go into whats called a remission. A period of recovery when someone may experience feelings and what not similar to what they felt during the partaking of the drug. Monday night was a wonderful example of this. Being bombarded with all the physical images, I already had them in my subconscious. I was thinking about things all day that could only lead to trouble. I came on here, posted and said I would go right straight to bed, which I did. I got into the covers, turned on some music (sometimes I need music to fall asleep, it helps me to not think) and fell asleep. While asleep, and I remember quite vividly some of it, some images decided to, shall we say, create themselves. Its like my mind knows its not going to get it in the real world, and it thinks its 100% natural, seeings as I did it for so long, so naturally, in wanting to quench the thirst for those images that it so desires, it creates them while I'm asleep and unable to control things (Yes, I know you can "control your dream" I've had a hard time doing that, unless its a re-occurring dream that I expect to have again and again). These dreams just led into the next day and set me up for wanting to think about those things all day long, which all day Tuesday, no matter what I did, those images and scenarios have been on my mind. thankfully, with Gods help, I've been able to not act on them, but its getting harder and harder.

My body just feels like someone is pulling me. Its hard for me to explain
. I just feel this pull towards going online and looking at things and doing things that I KNOW for sure I will regret later. Its almost like the internet has a gravity about it that once you try to get away from the porn it just sucks you right back towards it.

I can, thankfully, say that I did not act on any of those thoughts on Tuesday. I only pray to God that Wednesday brings the same results. I also pray that Wednesday wont bring the same temptations and that when I finally go to bed I wont have images of things I shouldn't be thinking about floating about in my dreams.

[Dominus]

Your doing well Halfpint, I like your illustration about the 'gravity' - watch out for the black hole of the internet! I know what you mean about the thoughts, I had that to at the weekend and the dreams. It really helps if you do not allow yourself to entertain the thoughts.
Keep it up, its encouraging for us to read your success.

[HalfPint]

Well . . . last night was decent. I don't me remember any of the dreams that I had, which actually not dreaming is some of the best dreaming I've had in a while. Today was easier for some reason. Every morning I try to pray before I go take a shower and ask God for strength to defeat the urges. some days that strength is stronger than others. today I've kept myself pretty well entertained. I played some video games, I'm a heavy gamer, and watched some myth busters on tv with my brother. At the end of this night if all goes well, I will have succeeded through 13 days without porn or MBing.

This forum and these posts have been huge steps for me. Steps I was never willing to make. Steps I was never willing to admit that I needed to make.

The day that I joined this forum, the last day that I looked at porn and MBed, I Finally realized something that I never realized before. This realization was also the first step to recovery. You watch movies, read documentary's about people who over came addiction and they all say "the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem". You NEVER take those words to heart until finally you realize that your heading down the wrong path. 12-27-2007 at about 9:00 was when I finally realized and allowed myself the knowledge that I was going the wrong way and that I had a problem. I finally came to the realization that what I was doing was wrong, and that I needed to seek help. On 12-27-2007 at about 9:00 was my first step to success, and through that first step came the second step, deleting everything that was allowing me to stumble. On 12-27-2007 at 09:33 PM was when I made my third step to success, posting on these forums.

A note to anyone who is thinking about joining these forums then stops and says to themselves "I dont need a forum to help me, I can over come things by myself." Stop and just think to yourself how much simply talking about your problems can help you. I find it very hard to talk to real people about this existing problem, that could probably be blamed on the fact that I find it hard to trust people because of the times I've been betrayed. Posting on a forum, keeping a journal online is probably one of the best steps I've made to allowing myself to come to terms with my problems. Posting on here isn't necessarily written in stone, but you cant delete your posts and making the decision to come back time and time again is a good reminder of the times you were doing good, and even if you mess up, posting here helps you recover so much faster.

Even if you decide against joining these forums, do yourself a favor and join another, or join a support group near you with other people who struggle with the same things you do. This forum isn't the ONLY help out there for people with porn addiction problems. coming here just shows that you are finally willing to admit, maybe not to yourself but at least to others, which is still a good step, that you have a problem. When I went to go make my first post, I stopped and said to myself "this is silly, its embarrassing, I shouldn't have to post on here to over come my problems". Boy was I wrong, I posted that first post and now I'm posting almost every day about my progress, and thats just the thing, posting here helps me TO make progress. Think again before you decide to quit the forums, and think again if your deciding against joining the forums. It may just be the thing that helps you out more than you may have ever imagined.

I'm slowly learning also, that quitting an addiction is no easy task. Its a slow, hard, and difficult time of your life. You have your good days, the days that are easy to get by without thinking thought you know will just get you in trouble, then you have your bad days, the days that are hard to get by without thinking thoughts you know will just get you in trouble, and sometimes do get you in trouble.

With that said, I will finish this post by saying this:
Stay strong, keep seeking help.

[Light]

HP, I am greatly encouraged to hear about your success. Congratulations!

I think you have made a great point about the power of the forum, posting here has been one of the most helpful things in working through this problem that I have found. Here, I can be honest, and if I fall, I feel that I will be encouraged and not judged. Thanks to everyone here for their support as well and making it a great place.

Keep it up HP!

[HalfPint]

well . . . yesterday and this morning were quite difficult. I would have to say the most difficult times yet. Last night I was at work, I work in a computer lab, and I was using my portable firefox, with my addons that I like using. I've used addblock for a while and several others. One of the addons I use is called "stumble upon" great source for not being board, that is if you have high speed and you enjoy seeing random websites, however, last night it led to some pictures of, well . . . very well drawn pictures of things I shouldn't have seen. Of course I closed it out asap for multiple reasons. That just planted a seed in me again, and it just made me want to go home and get that url and look at the images even more. Being that I get home so late on Thursdays I went online and checked for books for college then went straight to bed. Didn't actually act upon seeing those images. It was great not feeling the need to act on them, however, the "need" got stronger. this morning before I went to get in the shower, I started to get . . . well . . . an erection which ALMOST made me stumble. I cant really explain why I didn't, other than God was watching over me. It came really close, that was the first time that I've seen myself have one, at least since I stopped looking at porn and MBing. I didn't though and I suppose that I should look at the fact that I didn't instead of picking myself apart as of why I came so close. I don't know, its just like I said before. It seems to be getting harder and harder, and I really hope that "hump" that time after so much time that it starts to get easier, comes soon. I may just have to modify my stumble upon settings, or just remove it all together.

Also, I should probably keep looking at the days that I've been doing good. Today should be, that is if my math is correct, the 15th day, also that is if by the end of the day I succeed, being porn and MB free.

[FoolishMind]

I admire your strong will Halfpint. Keep it up! (no pun intended)

[Brand]

If I may add something. Something that helps me is to realize that I have to live in the moment. It kind of sounds weird, but as PA if I caught myself thinking too much about the future or the past I would forget how much trouble I currently am in with my addiction and then slip up. I really have to discipline myself to focus on the now and plan for the future.

Keep going HP, you are doing a great job! Never ever give up

[021hallows]

Hi Halfpint,

You are doing well, the incident shows that you have it in you to fight your urges. Just keep it up.

Peace