Last night I was feeling sad and posted on here for the first time. This morning I woke up feeling angry! PA asked me if it had to do with him. I basically told him he does not affect the way I think of myself. I get it. I really do. I get this has NOTHING to do with me. I think I feel like what's bothering me most is that I found a site he visits and requested the password reset. The information did not go to the email I found so I believe he has another address out there that he's not telling me about. I don't know why I keep doing this BS to myself. I'm better than to keep checking up on someone. I know I shouldn't, but am at a loss. The minute things got the least bit crazy, he tried to go to someone last year. I don't want to have to worry about catching an STD from him like I did before. Right now.....I feel like I don't want to be around him. I really just want him to leave me alone. Although when I see him in person, I can't actually tell him that. I'm very bitter and feeling very lonely this morning. And now I'm crying.
Hi and welcome to the forums. I am sorry you have to be here, but I am glad you are here if you have to go through this. You are not alone.
There is a lot of info and support on this site. I hope things will be ok for you.
Here's my question. It doesn't seem like your husband is willing to quit his addiction at this point. So what are you going to do? Are you trying to learn to just live with it? I know these are hard questions and maybe you have no answers yet. I just want to know kind of where your mind is at. No matter what, you have support here.
Do you think your husband will come to this site? There can be healing for both of you, but in my opinion, there can be no healing for either of you until he decides to quit and get help for his addiction.
Oh yeah.... bravo for realizing his addiction has nothing to do wih you. That's a hard thing to accept and it took me a long time to figure that out. Sometimes I still forget its not all about me.
Good luck on your journey and keep us posted. Hugs and chocolate to you.
TTF- The suckiest place to have to be but the best place to be if you have to be somewhere like this.
There is a difference between interest and committment. Figure it out.
The addiction is his, the marriage is still ours (by Alika).
That is why I am here.
Hi LearningPatience, welcome.
I'm glad you've found us. This can be a difficult journey, and one where you will have to learn some patience. (And I really like your nic name, it's just very fitting. )
I'm glad you know his PA isn't about you. But, that doesn't mean that you can't be angry/hurt for being put into this situation. I definitely was. He should know he's hurt you.
But yes, it makes a LOT of sense that you need to pull away from him right now. Working though these emotions can be very overwhelming. And sometimes you just need a break from the one who put you into this position.
But for now, many hugs to you, and again, welcome to our board.
The thing is, he does seem like he wants to stop. He allowed for the cyber sitter to be downloaded onto his pc. He was very much in agreement with this. He seemed to be genuinely remorseful when I busted him out. He didn't like me temporarily replacing my wedding rings with a plain band, but is going along with it. He hasn't really had much of a chance to be on the computer. I am not near ready to leave, but just wander why he chooses to stay? He says he loves me and sometimes I can see it, but I don't feel it.
I didn't ask him about that site as I did not want to "trigger" him into backsliding. I don't know if he would join here. I did see that he is involved in some type of course for pa.
I play volleyball and have 2 games tonight. I thank God for that as I would go crazy if I didn't.
I want to be close to him & then I don't want to be close to him. I feel like I have no idea what is going on or how I feel.
To answer your question: I will wait, pray and think. I can not think of leaving when I know I haven't given it my best effort as I always tell my boys to try their best.
This is the HARDEST thing to go through. My mind goes from 1 thought to the next and I can't seem to hardly think straight at times. The pressure in my chest is relieving, so I believe that's a plus, right??
LearningPatience,
Welcome to the one place that we all wish we were not at. You will find support here from the SO's and PA that will answer questions.
For you H you may want to read some of the PA's journals and then read them to him. Also check out the resources for some good books.
I'm sorry that you find yourself here but the So's will understand your world and the thoughts and feelings.
Last night I talked to hubby as I've been feeling so hurt and alone. I was not mad or yelling when I told him. I don't want him to feel like I'm nagging him. I just know that when I get down like this, if I don't tell him, it will build up and come out worse later on. He really does seem remorseful and hurt about this and says he's doing good. I truly believe him and believe in him. I just don't know if I can trust him. He is making a good effort, but it's only been a week and he doesn't seem to know what his triggers are.
H says he's been doing good, but something in my gut tells me he's hiding something. Seems silly, but he was way too eager to give me his passwords and allow me to put cybersitter on his pc. He says "This time feels different" "I haven't had any problems yet". But I trust myself and really feel like he's hiding something. I'm sure the truth will come out. I just have to wait it out. Do any of you have any advice on this? I don't want to always be going through his stuff, but I don't want to be with someone who won't get help either.
Its hard to believe someone when you know how good they are at lying.
I think the most important thing for you guys is to talk openly. There's a difference between you talking and him agreeing, and you both communicating about this together. For example, when I found myself in this position with my husband a few years ago, I talked a lot. He seemed to be listening. He said he was sorry, and he was good and he didn't need it and that was that. I thought we had communicated, but we didn't. I talked, he told me what I wanted to hear, and then we dropped it for the most part. A few years later when I stumbled on the fact that not only did my husband not quit anything but ramped it up a lot... we finally started to communicate.
If your husband is a PA, then P is a huge part of his life. It is the major part of his life and your marraige. So, communication is key. He won't want to talk about it, but he has to, IMO. Think of everything else in your life that you talk about. Your kids, your money, your job, what's on TV. But to the PA, P is bigger than all of that. It has become more important than all the other things you talk about. So, talking about P is not a once or twice thing and then forget it.
I don't know if this makes any sense.
I hope you two work things out and I hope he is really committed to quitting. Is he doing anything else besides putting the software on the computer and taking a PA course? Also, you said he allowed the cybersitter to be downloaded. It seems to me that the PA needs to do the work, not the SO. If he is serious about quitting, he takes the steps. Maybe it was your phrasing that has me confused. Also, SA or some other support group like Celebrate Recovery is very helpful for a lot of people here.
I am glad you have volleyball and something to get you out of the house and focused on stuff that's not P. I spent months not eating, not sleeping, just focused on P and my hurt. I was depressed. If you take anything away from these forums... its that you should take care of yourself in the middle of all this.
Hugs to you.
TTF- The suckiest place to have to be but the best place to be if you have to be somewhere like this.
There is a difference between interest and committment. Figure it out.
The addiction is his, the marriage is still ours (by Alika).
That is why I am here.
Last night I somewhat exploded. Not to a degree of yelling, but was very accusatory. I made the mistake of trying to put on a brave front when my world was crashing down around me. I hurt H and felt awful. I think he gets it though. He says he's been clean for over a week now and I am thankful. I don't know what help he is getting, but he seems very adamant about sticking to this. I cried a lot. It started because I told him I don't think I can be the wife he needs me to be. He says all he needs me to be is supportive, but sometimes that doesn't seem to be enough. I'm still hurt, but I still believe in him. He's talking more about his addiction and seems to realize it is an addiction, which is very encouraging for me. I made myself a promise last night that I will no longer ask about what he did last year. All I really want from him is for him to talk to me and let me know when he's troubled. I might not be able to help him, but I can "be there" for him. That may be enough. I no longer feel the pressure I used to and think we have a new start. And for today, that will be enough.
So last night I had this great moment I wanted to share with H. (We won our first playoff game) I really wasn't excited about it and had no desire to really tell anyone. I'm finding more and more that I don't want to be happy about things. The moment I get comfortable and get back to me, is when something crazy happens and it takes all the joy away. I know my life will never be the same because of what H has done, but why do I let it affect me so?? There were all these hopes and dreams and aspirations I had for us and now I don't see them. THIS SUCKS!! I want ME back!! Please I need some happiness!!
Journal of new SO -
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