This is the very first entry in my journal and for anybody that reads this please provide any input and advice. I have been married for 16 years but my PA has only been a problem in the last 5 years or so. Since my PA has been discovered it has really strained my relationship with my wife. She told me today that she feels that I have deceived her all these years. She also doesn't trust me with the kids. I truly do love my wife but I have hurt her emotionally and spiritually. When we spoke today she informed me that as of now she is only living for herself and the kids, not me. She went even further and said that after the kids are grown and of age that she is going to work on her meaning that she was going to be taking time to go see her mom, her friends, in other words take on a life that does not include me. My kids are still young so I have time to show her how much I love, need, and want her. To be honest I have allowed my PA to make a real mess of my life so I am hoping that this journal and your support will be another tool not only to help me but help others as they willingly help me.
rc85,
As the SO of a PA, I can sympathise with both you and your wife. I am walking the path of recovery with my H who is also active here at TTF. I, too, felt very decieved, cheated on, hurt, angry ...in general an emotional mess...upon discovery of my H's P addiction. It sounds very much like she is going through the very common emotional crush we all go through as SOs.
You might consider suggesting to your wife that she also join TTF, or find some kind of support for herself to help her heal, as you focus on healing and recovery as well. While PA is your addiction to deal with, she too will need time and support to find her own path to healing and with time, possibly heal your relationship.
Here at TTF, there are many SOs who are also walking the path of recovery with our partners. And more than a few success stories of couples who have healed both themselves and their relationships after PA. 2 stories of success come right to mind... that you may consider reading, Foolish Mind's Journal and Daniel's Journal. My H's journal is ArtGuy34.
Find a path to peace,
~C~
“There is no pain equal to that which two lovers can inflict on one another. This should be made clear to all who contemplate such a union. The avoidance of this pain is the beginning of wisdom, for it is strong enough to contaminate the rest of our lives.” ~ Cyril Connolly
"Life is not how it is supposed to be. It is the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." ~ Unknown
You may consider asking her to help you with accountability on your journey towards recovery. My husband and I installed K9 filters on all our PCs. He and I worked out what would be blocked, what would be allowed, time limits and only I have the passwords.
One thing to try to remember, while your wife is this hurt and angry, and I do share this from experience, actions speak so much louder than words. Showing her that you are serious about quitting. Showing her what steps you are taking to quit. Showing her that you are being honest that you have stopped. Those things mean more than you simply telling her. Sadly, when trust is broken by PA, it takes us a while to believe a word our PAs tell us.
Also try to keep in mind the "actions speak louder than words" motto applies to everything in your lives. For me, I needed 100% transparency 100% of the time from my H in order for me to heal.
I hope you both find a path to peace together.
~C~
“There is no pain equal to that which two lovers can inflict on one another. This should be made clear to all who contemplate such a union. The avoidance of this pain is the beginning of wisdom, for it is strong enough to contaminate the rest of our lives.” ~ Cyril Connolly
"Life is not how it is supposed to be. It is the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." ~ Unknown
Crisodian, once again thank you so much. But, I have tried that and she absolutely refuses to help me with any of the accountability. Maybe in time she will be willing but right now no matter what I do she sees as insincere and that I am just putting a band aid on it. I know she doesn't understand how difficult it is to fight PA and to be honest I agree with her. It should not be this hard but I have to realize that Satan is the one who makes temptations so hard to fight. I think with time this will go over but for right now I will just keep praying and depending on folks like you for great advice. thanks again
I understand. I have been in the place she is in with my hurt an anger as well. I would still suggest you take the steps to show her your committment to recovery and find an accountability partner who can help you keep on the path while your wife focuses on her healing right now. Maybe after a time, she will begin to see that you are committed and take a more active roll in your recovery.
Addiction recovery, any addiction, is hard. There's no sugar coating any of it. I am also a non-P addict that has been in recovery for a very long time, so in a way, I am blessed that I have the understanding to help in many ways.
I may also suggest you spend some time identifying your triggers and what causes your urges and putting a plan in place so you will be able to focus on what you need to do when. There are some great resources here to help you do that.
Peace,
~C~
“There is no pain equal to that which two lovers can inflict on one another. This should be made clear to all who contemplate such a union. The avoidance of this pain is the beginning of wisdom, for it is strong enough to contaminate the rest of our lives.” ~ Cyril Connolly
"Life is not how it is supposed to be. It is the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." ~ Unknown
Thank you for understanding and for the great advice. I already have 3 accountability partners. I have also installed Safe Eyes on my computer and I do not have the administrator password. For me that was one of the best things to help me. I have also discovered several of my triggers and I have been putting things in place to spiritually, mentally, and physically to help with my recovery. The greatest tool for me so far has been to quote a passage from the Bible when I have a thought or see something and to listen to the Bible and sermons. Those 2 things have helped me greatly. Please keep the advice and words of wisdom coming you have taught me a lot already and I look forward to learning more from you and your husband.
It sounds like you are setting yourself up for success already! Good for you! I look forward to following your journal as you document your path to recovery.
Keep moving forward and stay strong. I'm glad my suggestions have been helpful. There are many, many resources here at TTF. Please take some time to read some of our long time member's journals. They will also help you with knowledge to keep you on the path.
Peace,
~C~
“There is no pain equal to that which two lovers can inflict on one another. This should be made clear to all who contemplate such a union. The avoidance of this pain is the beginning of wisdom, for it is strong enough to contaminate the rest of our lives.” ~ Cyril Connolly
"Life is not how it is supposed to be. It is the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." ~ Unknown
Well today starts another day. I just spent some time reading another journal and I admit that it really has opened my eyes even further. My PA affected my career in someway. As I was reading LookingToImprove's journal I realized that I allowed my PA to change the type person I always desired to be. Early in my current career I was recognized several times as being one of the best. I even received promotions over my peers because I was so good at what I did. My PA not only clouded my mind but changed the type person I was. My friends I had to humility or graciousness in my heart or soul. Even worse I allowed Satan to use those things against me and create a person that people did say the did not recognize. Knowing and understanding this I believe I can now add some new things to my arsenal to help me fight my PA. My wife has told me that things will never be the same between us again, she is right. My goal is to make things better and I know this is not going to be easy because Satan does not want that to happen. Satan is going to work on me and my spouse to make sure that we don't get past this. But, I am going to pray and work to make sure he stays completely outside of this whole thing. I also now know that I can not defeat this thing on my own, I do need help. To anyone reading this a good accountability partner or partners is paramount in your recovery. Someone there to tell you the truth, encourage you, and most of all make you take a real look at yourself day by day. I know my faith will be a big help in controlling my addiction. But, I also know that the therapy I have had so far, talks with my preacher, accountability partners, and my brothers will go a long way also. Remember everyone, we can not do this alone hence the need for this journal. Take care and the next time I pray I will say a general pray for all those fighting PA, SA, and the SOs.
I admire your dedication to your faith and your willingness to succeed at recovery from PA. I know right now is tough on you, but hang in there, keep fighting to improve your life so you can be a better man for your wife and family.
What ever tools you need to beat this addiction is by all means a great way to go. I feel there is no "one" correct way to heal. It takes a lot of hard work, determination and many many resources to fight the temptation of the Devil. But it can happen, and you seem ready to defeat the jerk!
Well, the wife and I spoke nice to each other yesterday. My wife has her moments when she wants to talk but only if she controls the conversation. I have noticed that when she starts to enjoy the conversation too much she just stops talking. I will admit it makes me so mad when she does that, but I made a conscious decision here about 2 months ago that I will not try to force any conversation out of her or keep a dead conversation going. Yes it hurts not being able to share the things that are heaviest on your mind and yes it hurts even more for her to take almost everything I say as a lie or un-truth. But, I truly believe there is a lesson to learn in here and if I am patient I am sure that I will learn what it is and be able to use that knowledge to continue my sobriety. However, I am having problems with my thoughts the last couple of days but I have resorted to quoting scripture and it really does help a lot. I also had M'd the yesterday. Not proud of myself because I was able to stay away from the P these last 2 weeks or so but in the last 3 to 4 weeks I have only M'd twice. I am thinking when I start to feel the stress of everything that I am using that to help me handle the stress lately. But, I think instead of that I will start working out during those times at least taking a walk because at least that way I will not waste the time and I will be getting back in shape in hopes that one day the wife and I can will share that intimacy that I crave so much. Other than that things have been good. I am starting to approach each day and this journal with one concept. No matter what happens during the day I am wondering what is the lesson for me to learn today...
RC85 Recovery Journal (roachcoach85) -
01-28-2010, 10:05 PM
Linear Mode
