Life-lies-trust-SO

[Life-lies-trust]

I have run the range of emotions, love, hate, confusion, why me, what happened, how could he do this, anger, and analytical problem solving.

For more than 30 years he has lied to me and himself. I have ranged from thinking that he had no sx drive, to he is gay, to he just does not want me, to he only wants himself. I am worthless as a woman and I am not allowed to have needs too. I have though he had a mistress or another lover but just did not want the confrotation of leaving me.

I know that I am not pretty but I do have a good heart but he did not seem to see it. His PA was all about the secret that was well hidden. Now I know that he developed this as a child and teenager. Two weeks of analysis and talking can reveal a lot of the dirty mess.

I have not allowed him to sit and think but I keep tearing up his ideas and what he though was reality. He though that we were connection every time he did his P. What did he see here that was better than being with his wife who loved him?

He would get so cold to me if I even gave him a hug. I did not know what I did wrong and was confused. Therefore I would pull back and get quiet. He never wanted to talk to me about this side of our marriage. Then he would get mad if I even just tried to find a way to reach him.

We have started to unravel where his problem started and why. What was know at what age, why, and his thoughts behind it.

One idea he has had is that women lie and only do their duty to their husbands. He had this before I every met him. This has brought out a long discussion and a headache for him.

I need to stop now before I start crying but will continue later.

[Life-lies-trust]

I find that I am calm today and asking him questions where I tell him "go think on this and do not answer till you have been honest with yourself". This is not really easy to do but I'm trying.

Now that it has come out (with some prodding) what he was exposed to as a child I just want to either hit his parents or never to speak to them again.

His parents and sister interperted the email I sent asking for time to work on some issue as "You are hiding him from us as he is dying?" I'm still trying to figure out how they got this idea. But they will blame all this is my fault. His mother is "you corrupted my little boy." GRRRRRRRRRR.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi and welcome to the forums. What a way to start the new year, huh? I mean that two ways.

You are here because of something that was forced on you. You did not ask for this situation and you didn't have a choice about it because he lied about it when he married you. So, this entire situation sucks and now you are here and dealing with his PA. What a way to start the new year... in pain, anger, and hurt. Uggg.

But, what a way to start the new year. You are here. Is he here too? Now this is something that, although terrible, it is no longer a secret. It is in the open and you are both dealing with it. Will your marriage survive? I hope so. Will it be the same as before? I hope not. Your trust is broken, but it can be rebuilt over time if you both choose to work on it. And your old marriage frankly didn't sound too great to me. How do you spend 30 years with someone who is cold to you and you wonder if he likes you and if he's gay? I can't fathom it. So, if your marriage survives, it will be different, and that can only be good for both of you. So, today, your life and dreams are shattered. But at least there is somewhere to go from here now that you know the truth. What a way to start the new year, huh?

Keep posting here. Let us know how you are. Read other journals... you will see you aren't alone. This is a sucky club... but better to be here than to still be in the dark and wondering why your marriage is the way it is. Good luck on your journey.

[Life-lies-trust]

Yes it sucks. We had periods that were good and also about 10 years of working oppisote shifts. This is why I think I was so clueless.

Within about 2 weeks we should know if he has a job, or not, if he will be in jail or not. Time and he is on the boards as desert ghost. Every little thing that he has been secretive on I'm breaking down and showing to the LIGHT OF DAY. His monster is very unhappy and I DO NOT care. STOMP the monster, STOMP the monster.

As friends we are ok and from what I can tell his lies all are related to the super secret of his PA/MB. Some times when I'm writing I'm at the angry side and can not see anything good. As dr. jekel he is a good caring person, as mr. hyde he is a lieing, secretive, sneeky A$H.

So some times I hug him then I pound on his PA and all the related crap that goes with it. We have made some plans to work on rebuilding our relationship. Every evening no matter what we are going to spend one to two hours together talking, playing cards, playing board games and getting to know each other better.

Maybe I am more tolirent to try to work things out. My parents hated each other and finally divorced after 24 years of marriage. Now both are happily married to other people.

As to why I stayed for 30+ years I'm extemely loyal and stubren.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

I think we have a lot in common. My husband and I were separated on and off over the years due to military commitments. The chat sites and the other interactive stuff (he calls it P, I call it cheating) all started when we lived in different countries and continued whenever either of us had to go out of town. I think all the time apart led to my cluelessness. My friend asked if I think he turned to that other stuff as a replacement for me because we were apart so much. But I said NO! Because other people have separations, and it makes them cherish each other more, or divorce. Also, he loved looking at P when I was sitting with him in the room, clueless, so I still say no.

Also, I have the "I want to hug him one minute, pound him the next" thing going on. We have also decided to spend more time together as a family playing Wii and cards, etc. Though 2 hours would probably kill us both, so more power to you on that!

There is something to be said for being extremely loyal and stubborn. I hope things work out for you both.

[MrsVee]

I, too, am new here and will also be dealing with legal issues regarding my husband's PA.
I, too, struggle with feelings of: loving him one minute and wanting to kick him in the head the next minute.
Sucks that we have to be here at all...but as Wife has said...it IS the chance for a new beginning whether that includes your husband or not, that is up to you.

[Crisodian]

LLT -
Welcome to TTF. I just want to chime in that you are definitely not alone in the "hug one minute, lashout the next" club. I don't think I have met a SO here or elsewhere who hasn't felt that urge to hurt their addict as badly as they feel hurt.

I hope you both find a path to peace in the New Year.

Be strong for you,
~C~

[mcp]

Welcome LLT. You will find from posts from other SO's, we all have the same emotions at one time or another. Flipping from sad, to mad then to murderous to feeling sorry for them.

Funny, after reading your post, I began to think of the weird way men see us. The chicks in P one way, us in a holier than thou way. Or do they see themselves as sxual pigs and we are too clean for their piggish behavior? Isn't that a sort of madonna/whore thought process?

By the way, what would make you say (quoting you) "I know that I am not pretty but I do have a good heart but he did not seem to see it."

Of course you are pretty!!! It has nothing to do with your attractiveness! God doesn't make junk! You need to put a little time and attention on to YOU, do something for you that makes you feel pretty! Go get your hair done, nails or toes something. You are worth it, you deserve it.

That hurt my heart to see that you typed that you don't feel pretty. It is him right now that is not so pretty. You are just feeling less than, which is normal. You gotta change your thinking of you, or he will stomp all over you. If they get you weak and vulnerable, all feeling ugly, then you won't leave, cause you feel like you can't get anyone else, and they can treat you like dirt and they 'have' you.

It's not you that is crazy.... he has a defective thought process, the mind of an addict. Try to treat yourself better than he treats you. You are your own best friend!

[Life-lies-trust]

MCP
No he did not start the I'm not pretty that started as a teenager. My dad, oldest brother and his friends did a really great of that when they would call me the "ugly B***" in public and in the halls of a high school of more than 2500 students.

Husband is trying to tell me he thinks I'm pretty now but I'm not sure to trust him.

He actually is the one who supports my goals and achieviments. He is a real jekel and hyde person. But I'm a chemist by degree and teacher at heart so my analytical side is helping him face all the dirty nasty stuff he had hidden.

[Life-lies-trust]

Last night I though out another thought for him to think about. First you have to understand that until the age of 13 he was an only child. To this date his mother feels that Her little boy must report to her daily. Then she uses guilt trips to get what she wants. If that does not work she recurts his sister or father to help. Until about two years ago I ran interferance with her. She would start out "I have not heard from you in so long I was wondering if everything is ok? Is he OK?" (even if she had talked to us two days ago) I finally got tired of the "I have not heard from him. Is he ok?" So I told my husband "She's YOUR mother deal with her!!"

So my though was how stressed does the contact from your mother make you? I know that his actions started after listening to his parents night time activities. (WHY did they not check on their child FIRST???? IDOITS!!!!!!!) He has admitted that this is a big factor. Now the the next link in this nasty chain.

Analyze, Analyze, Talk , Talk, Stop the action, Rewire the Brain!!!!
I keep repeating "A piece at a time, A piece at a time, We get to the end yet!"